Ladies, If you have a pet, especially a dog, you will understand.
Miss Winnie was found in a very desolate place but I have a suspicion that she landed here by way of Paris. She just seems so…well…French. She is always dressed well – her hair is coiffed and her tail is like a plume – elegant and fun. She is a very persnickety eater, and when she eats, she eats slowly, savoring her food. When given a treat, she takes it ever so gently from you and will drop it, look at it like a gourmet surveying meat, and decide whether or not it is suitable for her palate. She stands completely straight with head held high. I once was stopped by a lady who told me that Miss Winnie had perfect posture.
In fact, we get stopped all the time due to Miss Winnie’s beauty, charm and effervescent, inviting personality. It is rather embarrassing when I am out with friends and their dogs because most often than not, Miss Winnie is the center of attention and gets big oohs and ahhhs. She is, in a word, perfect. I am often asked what breed Miss Winnie is and the only thing I know is that she is part chow. I believe she is chow and spitz. Some say she looks like a giant Pomeranian. Either way, she is a true original and shall never be duplicated. One woman demanded I tell her where I got Miss Winnie so she could go get one and I have heard “I want that dog!” more than once. One woman held Miss Winnie’s head in her face, and said “What a Cover Girl face!” I agree.
Miss Winnie is a social butterfly. She loves everyone. She may growl at first, a deep Chow growl, but it is mere dramatics that dissipate once she is given a rub on the head. She loves people. The UPS man is in love with her and brings her treats every time. She tolerates children – they are a bit rambunctious for her taste. She despises their loud toys. She adores other dogs, all kinds but mostly the ones smaller than her so they can “look up to her.” Hee hee. She is a princess in every way. She has outfits, however she usually does not wear them, only showing how Miss Winnie prefers to be herself and does not need pomp or circumstance to shine. Like a Parisian refined lady who wears barely any makeup and simple, elegant clothing, Winnie too prefers a subtle elegance.
Miss Winnie does love to run, and play, and will jump in the waves like she is posing for a swimsuit calendar. She does not like swimming, she leaves that to the labs and other more hearty breeds. At 11 years old, she is still spry as a young lady. On our walks, people are incredulous when told her age. They usually guess she is about 2 or three years old. This is probably due to her diet of organic cuisine and fresh chicken every day. Miss Winnie does not like loud noises. Getting used to living with her mother’s new husband was difficult as these man creatures tend to be loud, banging things, making a mess. Miss Winnie prefers a calm, organized environment.
Miss Winnie can be sassy. She whips her hair. That is, if she had hair, she would whip it. Let me ‘splain. You know the song “Whip My Hair?” Ok. I LOVE it. So much fun. Every morning, Miss Winnie gets SO enthusiastic about her walk, you would think she was a kid going to Disneyland. She literally bounces down the stairs and runs back and forth near the door and breathes heavily. And she throws her head around as if she is whipping her hair – almost in circle motion. It is amazing.
Miss Winnie wears a pink collar with sparkly rhinestones. Miss Winnie sleeps on the bed. No exceptions.
Miss Winnie is the light of my life, the most special furry person in the whole wide world and my first-born! LADIES – enjoy your pets!! It is one of the most meaningful relationships of your life.
Happy Tuesday Ladies! I am on a quest for the Fountain of Youth in the form of plastic bottles with liquid inside. Yes, it has come to this. I am doing a juice cleanse.
Like Scarlett O'Hara said, Tomorrow is a new day. For my husband and I, this means starting our super exciting cleanse!
In order to prepare, they recommend you do a raw food diet the day before. So, I pick up some raw juice at Whole Foods (just to get me in the mood) and some raw hummus. In the morning, I hand my husband a banana and send him to work. I tell him to have a salad for lunch (not the usual salad he gets from Costco (so gourmet) loaded with chicken and cheese and probably a million calories, but something vegan-esque. I will then make lovely salad for dinner. “Oh goody,” my husband says sarcastically. I eat a banana and start working. I head downstairs in robot mode to make coffee and Oh SNAP! I can’t have coffee. Sigh. I fill a giant glass of water. I eat the raw hummus for lunch which is kind of gross. Oh well. For dinner, I make a really nice salad and I do cheat and put some parmesan on top and I use olive oil even though raw means you are not supposed to. But good lord people, I have taste buds and they are crying out for some flavor!
The next day, the hubby stays home from work so he can be here to welcome the juice arriving from Fedex so we can begin our cleanse properly. We wait. 9:00. We wait. 10:00 We wait. At 10:20 (cutoff time for fedex priority is 10:30), a ginormous box arrives. We open it to reveal two soft pack coolers. We might as well be transporting live organs the way this is so delicately maneuvered and anticipated. We take out the juices and load up the fridge and open juice labeled #1. There will be 6 juices each day. The first juice is a green juice. Oh joy. I can’t believe I have to start my cleanse with the friggin worst juice I could imagine, the green one. But with a tentative sip, I realize it’s actually okay. They have put in just enough pear and lemon and ginger to cut the kale and dandelion and other cow-eating greens. “Mmmmmmmm, I LOVE the green juices!” my husband explains as he gulps his down. I roll my eyes. Juice #2 two hours later is my favorite. Grapefruit and mint. So refreshing and delightful! And I don’t feel hungry. I do, however, feel a little out of it due to lack of caffeine. But onwards I go. I am the warrior of health.
Juice #3 is THE SAME DAMN GREEN JUICE again. Whatchou talkin’ about Willis??!! I have to have not one but TWO of these a day? Ugh. But sip away I do. Juice #4 is young coconut water which I normally don’t like because it has a funky taste to me. But the hubby again oohs and aahhs and tells me how much he loves coconut water. I note how ironic it is that I was the mastermind behind the cleanse and persuaded the hubby to do it and now here he is LOVING every little drop of every juice and I…well… it’s okay. Life is funny. Haha.
After juice #4, around 5 p.m., I am a bit grumpy. I have the start of a bit of a headache and I am feeling sluggish. The evening should be most exciting. We have juice #6 around 6:30 and I am surprised that is mostly a beet-based juice with more veggies and not much fruit. Where are the blueberries and Acai and guava and passion fruit my friend? Where’s the mango when you need it? The juice people at Cooler Cleanse must know what they are doing so I shrug my shoulders and drink up.
The final drink #6 is an almond milk drink that is sweet and kind of tastes like a milkshake. It was good, but I would rather have had a real milkshake. We watch TV to distract ourselves from the non-food dining portion of the evening. My mind wanders and I think about the leftover prime rib and the homemade banana muffins and coconut pie that is in the kitchen. We had houseguests just a few days before and had whipped up a feast and it is haunting me. And it’s only been a day. Not even a day. We go to bed around 9:30 because there is nothing else to do.
I wake up feeling good. I’m not hungry, just in a bit of a fog. We have our lemon water (recommended starter) and at least it’s refreshing and good. I use meyer lemons which are like crack to me. Green juice #1 I sip ever so slowly. Feels like a very big bottle of juice eventhough it’s not. Juice #2 is easy. I drink juice #3 while I head to a meeting noticing EVERY SINGLE fast food and donut shop as I drive. They are on every corner of L.A. and the OC and I already knew that. But with my senses on high alert like a bear coming out of hibernation, I feel all of these food places screaming to me for attention. Be strong my friend.
That night, Jonathan and I look at each other grimly as we clink our juice bottles. “Bottoms up,” I say. Jonathan’s stomach grumbles angrily. I say “Just keep saying to yourself “NAPA” honey.” You see, I have a confession. Yes, we are doing a three day wonderful healthy cleanse. But then this weekend, we head to Napa to meet up with my little sister and her boyfriend for three days of food and drink extravaganza. So in just three days, I will be gorging myself. “Toughen up you pansy!” I scream to myself.
We go to bed feeling a sense of accomplishment that we have gotten through two days now with only one more to go.
DAY 3 I awake feeling lighter. I don’t feel like the energizer bunny but I feel a hyper-sense of my body which is kinda cool. We go through the day almost on auto-pilot. Just knowing this is the last day makes it much easier. I am tempted to grab a handful of almonds from the cupboard but I don’t. I will be SO MAD AT MYSELF if I can’t do this. Three days. Come on! I go for a massage and don’t even have a mint that is sitting on the counter on the way out. I will do this pure and true dammit.
We go to bed thrilled and as proud as peacocks that we did it!
My husband jokes that we should have eggs and bacon for breakfast to celebrate but I say that we are supposed to go slowly back into food and that means trying to stay raw. (I am being the voice of reason now??!! HOLY sh*t!) I make the lemon water and then we have some green juice that I bought from Trader Joe’s that is actually pretty good. Could I have developed a palate for green juice?! Eureka! I weigh myself. I have lost FOUR pounds in FOUR days. That would make ANYONE a believer! I look and feel great. My skin looks peppy. The husband I decide the cleanse was a grand success and we both agree that we would do it again. Maybe in two weeks before we head to Hawaii. For now, we are headed to Napa to reverse all the good we just did to our bodies. Yin and yang ladies. Yin and yang.
I feel fat. And sluggish. And dumpy. Too many steaks. Too much red wine. And way too many fab dinners that I make for my husband every night. I can’t help it. I love to cook good food. And desserts. THIS MUST STOP.
So, to the land of cleanses I go. Oh yeah, that’s right. I’m doin’ it!! I’m drinkin’ the Kool Aid! I usually run far away from the wheat grass, hippie granola, mumbo jumbo that is everywhere around me in L.A. The first time I tried a wheat grass shot at Whole Foods, about two weeks being in L.A. from NYC, I drank it, went to work, and proceeded to roll around on the floor screaming that my organs were playing musical chairs in my body. And then I challenged myself with some other vegetable concoctions at different establishments only to find that I really don’t like the green gunk they call refreshing and delicious. To me, green means gag.
I am much more likely to be seen at the wine bar, not the juice bar. Don’t get me wrong. I am relatively healthy. I eat oatmeal with berries for breakfast, only one cup of coffee per day and we try to eat fish twice a week for dinner. And, I do a 2 mile walk every morning with my dog and a couple of exercise classes each week (when I’m being good). But I still have gained weight since my wedding and I still feel like Jabba the Hut. So change must be made!!
I read somewhere about the Cooler Cleanse. I’m not sure which magazine I saw it in. Could have been Fitness, InStyle, Shape, Elle – who knows. I read so many bloody magazines! Anyhoo, this cleanse has Salma Hayek as part owner. Looks ultra chic. Then I see an article in the New York Times Style Magazine about an editor who does a 10-day cleanse from The Juice Press. Hmmm…. It would be SO me to choose a cleanse out of New York when I live right smack in the middle of cleanseville in California! I must choose a cleanse that is healthy. There are so many kooky programs out there and so many kooks in L.A. who will gladly try it. The Master Cleanse is one that many have tried. In fact, my friend Wanda just told me that her friend did the master cleanse and got extremely ill. “I don’t think you should do a cleanse,” she says. “Well, considering the Master Cleanse has practically NO nutrition and is ridiculously unhealthy, I’m not surprised they got sick!” I reply. You don’t have to be a doctor to know that if all you drink is lemon, water, maple syrup and cayenne pepper, you are NOT going to get the proper nutrients your body needs. Duh. I tried it for ONE day in a moment of insanity and almost threw up just with the first glass. Disgusting.
Considering my not so stellar experience with juice-type regimens, I still decide to do a cleanse even if it may taste like poop. I decide on the Cooler Cleanse because they seem to know what they are doing and well, their website was snazzy. And I decide on the beginner 3 day cleanse because I am a total whimp and this means baby steps. Just the thought of no solid food for ONE day makes me start hyperventilating.
No, you DO NOT want to know what this costs. Let’s just say that for three days of juice, I could have bought a very nice pair of shoes. But I figure that if I am going to do this, I am going full throttle and doing it the celebrity way. High-end, high quality product, hopefully great results. I ask my husband if he wants to do the cleanse with me because misery loves company. He says sure – I love that he is up for anything. I offer to pay for his cleanse too as I know that my frugal husband would be astounded to know what I am spending on juice. He does ask “Can’t we make it ourselves rather than order it?” “Why sure honey,” I say in my smart ass tone. “If you want to go buy an expensive juicer and go get the beets and kale and berries and all the accouterments for this, and make it for us each day, then yes we can!” I myself am going the easy “Cleanse for Dummies” route and ordering the stuff. He complies.
So, I sign us up and schedule delivery of my most precious, fountain of youth, super fancy cleanse. I am so cool. I mean, I am just like those celebrities with their cool diets and exclusive health regimens.
Hey Ladies! It is time once again for my continuation of the all-time STUPIDEST questions and comments made to single ladies. So here is number 6.
6. QUESTION: “HAVE YOU TRIED ONLINE DATING?”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ummmmm helllloooooo….. aren’t we living in a virtual world? Am I 93 years old and living in an outhouse in Siberia? Everyone I know who wants to fall in love has tried online dating. Okay, maybe not EVERYONE. I have a few stubborn ladies who refuse to try it in spite of my whining, persuading, advising and pain-in-the-assing. “But Becckkyyy, do you really want to be like me and not find your love until you are 40???!!” I would think this would make her gasp and shudder and send her running for the Match.com website but no. She is as stubborn as me and well, she needs to do it in her own time. To some I say, “Um yeah, have you HEARD my stories?!!” And to others, I just drop to the floor laughing hysterically and say “Have I tried online dating?! Oh, that’s a good one!” You will see a little later why I feel this way about this particular subject. I have LOTS and LOTS of experience with online dating. YEARS of experience. You could say I went to the masters course in online dating. Some things are worth trying, and online dating is one of them. I can’t say that I would ever go back to it. I hope I never have to, oh lord help me! It’s like hiking the super scary Precipice Trail in Maine or eating snake for me – I tried it, cross it off the list and NEVER DO IT AGAIN. (By the way, even with the most horrific, salacious and mind-boggling online dating stories, I still forged ahead and never retreated through the blood and bodies and decimation and anguish and I did find the man I married through online dating. It is a necessary evil my dear. For those single ladies who are asked this question, I think it is important to not take it personally. I know this is rather difficult as it is a personal question. It is your lovelife after all. But try to see it as a question, like “Have you tried a raw food diet or Zumba?” See it as a very casual question and it may be best to answer it casually with an answer like “Yes, I find it very amusing!” Or, “It’s on my bucket list.” Or you can say “I tried it but like champagne, it is delightful to some but gives others a splitting headache.” Should you get a puzzled look staring back at you, be kind. Understand that most people actually believe the hype of the commercials where it looks like ANYONE who tries online dating will be successful. So, they are simply thinking that it should be an obvious course of action for you, the single women, to go online for love.
ADVICE FOR ONLINE DATING FROM THE GENERAL: As one who has been on the front lines until quite recently, I pass along my strategies and tactics that kept me alive through the most gruesome of online dating scrimmages.
BE PATIENT – think of online dating like a football game. Imagine you are there and the stadium is full of men. You look around and see that most of them are just not for you. In fact, most of them are just overall unpleasant. You do spot a couple of guys here and there who are kinda cute and seem good. Okay. Now realize that ALL of these men are online dating and emailing you. You are going to have to go through a lot of FREAKS and FROGS to get to one that you may want to meet up with for a drink. I have three ex-boyfriends from online dating – a good record if you ask me. They were wonderful guys but I didn’t meet the ONE until many years of online work. Sorry, but sometimes that’s just how it is. For some, it happens a lot faster and I pray and hope and will go eat some chocolate and light a candle and say a mantra that it will happen for you quickly.
2. DO NOT MEET THEM FOR A MEAL. I learned this the hard way and spent many moments where I felt like it was THE LAST SUPPER. I was the bear caught in the trap who would rather gnaw off its own leg rather than remain in that place. I DO recommend meeting for a drink because many times, you will need a stiff drink to get through the date. Plan on buying your own drink so that you won’t owe the guy anything if the date is bad. If the date is good, by all means, he should buy your drink – a true gentleman is what we all deserve.
DO NOT GET EXCITED FOR THE DATE – this is extremely hard for us ladies as we are optimists and why the hell would we go on a date if we weren’t excited??? Well, I’ll tell you. If you try to look at it as just meeting someone and a “before-the-date” date then you won’t be as upset when he turns out to be one of the guys from “The Hangover.” Also, MAKE PLANS for after the meeting. That way, you did not get dressed up for nothing and you have an “out.” Plan a drink with online guy and then have dinner with friends. They will be there to console you if the guy was an idiot or they will be there to share in your excitement if the guy was wonderful.
DO NOT GET STUCK ON THE SMALL POINTS – Years ago, I wouldn’t date a guy who had a cat because I thought men who had cats were just weird. But that’s not always true. If you look at every little part of their profile and go through it with a fine-toothed comb, you will be disappointed. That’s because it allows you to judge before you have even met them. At a party, you might meet a cute funny guy and have a spark and then you can overlook the fact that he has a cat named Toodles. AND ladies – THE CLOTHES CAN BE CHANGED!!! Yes!!! I redid the wardrobe of many ex-boyfriends. I even redid the hairdo of an ex and his mother cried when she saw him! His entire community said he looked 10 years younger. I have redone most of my husband’s wardrobe now and let me tell you, the Hawaiian shirts have been given to Goodwill. Do NOT be focused entirely on the guy’s outfits. Most men are pretty bad about clothes. That is why they need us. He can be your Ken doll.
MEN ARE STUPID – yes. Just know it. The guy with a high school education who makes $20K a year and is overweight and seems to sweat in all of his photos may think he is PERFECT for the ivy-league professional woman who is drop dead gorgeous. They will try. Ignore them. Don’t even respond a polite “No thank you” because you will open up Pandora’s box. And, since men are stupid, also realize that many just aren’t the best at hunting. Do your own search and see who matches up with you and send a Hi. Then see what happens.
CHINESE WATER TORTURE – Do Not get yourself into this mess. Do not email back and forth for months. Do not IM for hours before you have met them!! Bad bad bad!! If the guy you are chatting with online ONLY wants to email or IM and doesn’t ask you for your number after a few emails back and forth, then offer your phone number. If he doesn’t call, drop him. If they guy ONLY wants to email or chat on the phone but just can’t seem to get it together to meet you, drop him. He’s probably married or looks like Quasimodo and doesn’t want you to see or he’s just a player.
PLAY THE FIELD – Men many times believe in quantity over quality so understand that the guys you are talking to are talking to many girls and don’t get offended. They don’t know you at all so it’s fair game. For the same reason, I recommend not hanging your hat on one guy who seems great. Instead - play the field. That way, you won’t be heart-broken when the one guy you liked turns out to be an a-hole. You will have others in play. Of course, when you meet a great one, go for it!! When I met my husband for our first date, we had instant fireworks. Months later, he told me that he had several dates lined up for the next couple weeks after he met me, but after just our first date, he canceled them all. Men will stop hunting when they find the one!!! That is, a GOOD man will stop hunting! I also closed my Match account after our third date. Boom. It was fast. And it should be once you meet the right guy.
HAVE A LITTLE FAITH – you will get frustrated. You will get depressed. You will find this to be a needle in the haystack game. You will think there is not one decent guy online. There will be times when you want to throw in the towel. Take a month or 6 month break and then try again. Just like being in anything too long that is challenging and difficult, you will get burnt out. I had to take a year break before going back online but I’m sure glad I did!!
I am well into my S Factor course and feeling dancer-esque. I want to dance like the Black Swan, I want to go buy a bunch of Danskin stuff, I want to blast Opera in my living room and jump around. Of course, this dancing is not exactly Baryshnikov, but it makes me feel like I am in tune with my body in ways that other exercise classes couldn’t. I did it. I wore the pink booty shorts. I have underwear bigger. They barely cover my ass and I am thankful for the very VERY dark lights in class that make you quite comfortable. There is no way I would be wearing this in fluorescent lighting! I’m feeling tired today. Everyone around us has been sick and both me and my husband are functioning at half-mast. I put some blush and lipstick on to “get in the mood” and jump in the car.
As soon as I get to class and put on my pink legwarmers, I feel good. I know why I’m here. To feel sexy and confident. In the warm up, the instructor Lisa tells us often to stroke our hair – feel our hair on our face, etc. It’s so new to me because I always have my hair back when I work out. Even when I walk the dog in the morning, I must have a headband or something. I hate hair in my face. But, in this class, having my hair down and letting it fall over my face is so freeing, so personal – I am in a hair cocoon. It is actually comforting.
We practice the Firefly and Ballerina on the pole. They seem effortless to me! I am no acrobat or swan, but I can do the moves now without feeling like I have no idea what I’m doing. I feel a surge of power in my gut that makes me flutter. It’s like an addiction. The first time I tried candy. I am really hooked on that pole. A woman in my class commends me on my “whipping of my hair” while I do the firefly. I beam. We put on our shoes. I am so wobbly today, I don’t know what the hell is going on. I go slow and just tell myself to not worry about looking stupid. We have been learning a routine which is very very cool. “Dirty Diana” comes on which is one of my favorite songs and I can feel the sexiness oozing from my pores. Extremely liberating.
Part of the routine we learn today is to stare at a chair where your “ahem” target would be sitting watching you. I actually feel myself blushing when I think of someone sitting there watching me dance. I used to love it when the boys would stare at my moves on the dance floor at the clubs. So why now am I so timid? Can I do this? Can I do my own show without feeling embarrassed? How do I stop self-judging? I imagine my husband sitting there in the chair. I am dancing for him. THAT I can do.
After class, I throw on my hiking pants over my booty shorts and a plain black shirt. No time for basking in my “afterglow.” Too many errands to do today. But I feel great – stretched, whole, enlightened. And that is a wonderful feeling. We are told that next week, we start stripping. WHAT??!! We will learn to take off our shirt. We can wear layers so that we are not actually going naked. Well thank god for that!
NOTE: Eventhough I just started taking the S Factor class, it seems that all things stripper are invading me. My friend went to go see an old school Burlesque show in L.A. Supposedly amazing. Burlesque shows are all the rage now. So is it still art when the dancer is naked? And I read in this Sunday’s New York Times about “Make it Rain” – guys who go to strip clubs and let hundreds of dollar bills “rain” on a stripper. Okay. Must be very empowering for the men. But if I were the woman, I’d be feeling like the monkey dancing while the monkey grinder plays the music, I have to do my little show and then go collect my tip. Not the most appetizing scenario. Of course, perhaps the idea of being “showered with gifts” is not too far a concept. Hmmmmm….My internal dilemma continues. LADIES – Where does attracting the opposite sex and using your power of being a woman stop and feminism and being acknowledged for your brain and being taken seriously begin? It is a struggle I have often. I can’t stand when women say they want to be equals with men. We will never be equal because it is comparing apples to oranges – or flowers to meat. Yes, men are the meat here. My husband is a delicious big juicy steak. Meat is obvious. It is hearty. It does exactly what it is intended to do. Flowers are delicate, wild. They need extensive care yet they can thrive in the toughest conditions. They are gorgeous and sexy. They are beautiful and desirable. They can be crushed. They grow and develop and have different stages. They are all different. GO and be that flower you are meant to be and quit being a steak! Celebrate your femininity. I am a pink peony. What flower are you? Georgia O’Keefe – I commend you!!!
I HAVE TO BUY SHOES. Normally, these are words that women live and die for. The art of shoe shopping has made DaVincis out of all of us. We have mastered it. But this time, I have to shop for stripper shoes for my S Factor class. 6-inch hooker-esque shoes. OH BOY. Where does one go for such things? Well, thanks to Julia Roberts, I know where to head. Hollywood Boulevard baby. Home to the more colorful, unsavory residents of L.A. and also the busloads of bewildered foreign tourists checking out the stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. A winning combo, if you ask me. I take my super best friend Beckkkyy with me for moral support. We park and check out the local fare. The first store, Tony’s Shoes, is small but packed with what seems to be a good representation of stripper gear. We walk around and in my twinset sweater and Prada bag, I say to the owner Tony that I need some uh….heels. Tony takes one look at me and says “I know what you need. S Factor.” HOLY STILETTOS BATMAN! Did he have my number or what?! I don’t know whether to take it as a compliment that I look too classy to be a stripper or take offense that I look too old and prudish to be a stripper. I choose the former.
I select a pair of silver and clear shoes - to “go with everything.” I am so practical! I do the 5-inchers. I just could not commit to the 6-inch babies. I am 5’9 already barefoot and the thought of looking like Frankenstein towering over the world just doesn’t appeal to me.
We pick up some other “accessories” – after all, Valentine’s Day is coming. We see a few Trannys, a nice gay boy with lips the size of Lisa Rinna and Angelina Jolie combined – a bit scary. We finish our shopping and I tell Becckkkyy (her nickname) to look for me next week on Hollywood Blvd in my new outfit a la PRETTY WOMAN. She says “Yeah okay” rolling her eyes. LOTS of eye rolling in my life! I head home thinking I will debut my new shoes and outfit for my husband that night. Alas, my suburban housewife role kicked in and I spent it falling asleep watching TV on the couch at 10 p.m. (Sigh). But the NEXT night – well, there was a show and my hubby was most pleased.
Class day comes and I get ready. I shower and let my hair go wild. They recommend you leave your hair down. No ballet bun here. I wear shorts. NOT the booty shorts – not ready yet. But I do wear shorts and a tank. Pink of course. I bring my pink leg warmers and heels and head out.
In class, we compare shoes and have a laugh as one girl says she wore her shoes to the mall the day before. She wore long pants to hide them, but did her shopping in those 6-inch black panthers. FAB! We squeeled. We do the usual warm-up and such. I bought knee pads last time and am grateful for the padding as we push back and do the cat stretch. Who cares if I look like roller derby girl? We then learn the “crawl.” I guess you have to crawl before you walk right? We are taught to be like tigers stalking our prey. We then move to the pole (my absolute favorite part) and learn the BALLERINA. You wrap your leg around the pole and then let your body fall as you swing around gracefully. I neither swung, nor was I graceful. I was so nervous, I did a vice-grip of my leg around the pole and needless to say, stayed exactly where I started. The instructor told me to relax and let myself fall. Trust your body. Hmmm…. Okay. I try a few more times and get a little better.
We then are told to put on our heels. We all groan. Here we go.
We do our sexy walk. Then learn a routine. I’m surprised at how good I am. I was expecting to look like a new foal just born learning to walk on its wobbly new legs.
The saucy woman that I am, I decide to keep on my heels and leg warmers to go home and surprise my husband. The ladies are laughing at me, but very supportive. I get home and walk in. My husband is happy. That’s all I’m gonna say.
LADIES – WEAR THOSE DAMN HEELS!! If you are like me, and are no longer going to the clubs and most likely just going to dinner with friends, cocktails and stuff like that, then you have NO EXCUSE not to wear some high-ass heels! You can handle wearing them from the car to a seat my dear. I’m not saying wear them for a two-hour standing room only concert! I have some that have been collecting dust in my closet because I just couldn’t be bothered. Until now. Wear them. Do it now before you are stuck wearing the orthopedic sneakers and compression knee highs. That day will come. The sex kitten heels will make you walk slow. They make you stand up straight. And they make you feel uber SEXY. Purrrrrrrrr……
Time for my weekly “How’s the Pole Dancing going?” update.
Today, I am not feeling sexy. Last week, my husband and I had a marathon of social events and last night topped it off with a cocktail party in Hollywood followed by a very late dinner out with copious amounts of liquor. Needless to say, the thought of going to my pole dancing class is making me want to put on flannel pajamas and hide in the bed. But go I must.
I was brave last week and purchased some of the booty shorts and leg warmers (pink of course) but looking at them now makes me wonder if I was out of my mind when I bought them. I decide that I WILL wear them….someday. Today, it’s all about low key and anything that hides bloat so capri leggings and a Flashdance-esque top it is. Hey, at least it’s in the theme of stripperdom – hello Jennifer Beals. Right? Plus, I have a big ol’ shiner of a bruise right on my leg. Apparently, when I leapt onto the pole last week in all my glory, I slammed my leg right into it. I also have a scrape along my hand. I think I clawed myself accidentally. Oh dear.
I leave my husband on the couch (we are both exhausted) and I tell him that I am going to “work the pole.” OKAY! He says. In class, the ladies compare war wounds from last week’s class. Another gal has a massive black and blue on her knee the size of a baseball. Ouch. We begin warm-up and my muscles feel so tight. I just hope that one of these days I can do the leg split in the air and the “fiddle” without my legs shaking uncontrollably. It’s embarrassing and very far from stripper sexy. I can imagine me doing my “show” for my husband and him worrying that I am having an epileptic fit. Did I mention that this class is KILLER on the abs? It’s like pilates and ballet combined – oh but with some Mae West thrown in there for a little oomph! We practiced the FIREFLY again and I just love twirling around on that pole. Wheeeeee! I even managed to whip my hair while turning which I thought was MOST impressive. We also learned the POLE SLIDE. I was very excited and imagined us climbing up the pole and sliding down, but was disappointed when it just involved you standing on the ground literally sliding your back down the pole. Now, I don’t expect to be Cirque du Soleil on the pole just yet but come on! That move didn’t even require for us to get ON the pole. Oh well. There is always next week.
At the end, we do a routine which is VERY fun. I can’t believe I am even doing a routine. I was always the kid on dance class going left when everyone else was going right. At one point, we do a back cat roll where you are on your belly and slide back over your knees. As I roll over my knees, I hear a crack, pop. Uh-oh. That HURT. This class is not so good on the knees. I decide to purchase knee pads after class. They recommend them for us old people. Who cares if I look like a hockey player? Maybe I’ll set a new trend in stripper wear. Gotta save the knees. We are reminded that the next class requires the heels. Us ladies go look in the shop and as one of them pulls out a 6-inch heel, I gasp. GOOD LORD how the hell am I going to move in that??!! I know you have heard of limo shoes – well, these stripper shoes to me are LAY DOWN AND DO NOTHING SHOES! I am expected to bump and grind in those skyscrapers? We’ll see. Judgement day cometh.
LADIES – GET ACTIVE. So many of us say we do not have the time to workout. The sneakers sit at home. Work, kids, life takes first place. But let me tell you – YOU WILL GET OLDER. I know. Don’t cry. Let’s just face it. Your bones and muscles need you to stay in shape. They need you to be responsible. I can’t tell you how painful getting back in shape has been. My flexibility is non-existent and my muscles are aching with what I am putting them through. But they will thank you. You will be happier and healthier. It doesn’t matter if all you start with is a walk at lunchtime, or 20 sit ups in the morning when you wake up. Just START. Begin. Time is a-wastin and time is on your ass.
I am sore from the intro class. So it is doing something. That’s good. I wonder if the first class in the 8 week session will be as fun and as interesting as the intro class. I am still feeling like it’s a bit laughable that I am going to pole dancing class.
I remember back a few years ago that I had a client that had done the S Factor class. She was a gorgeous tall model and was married to a very famous TV soap star. When this mother of two told me she was taking a pole dancing class, I was taken aback. What for? I thought. Sounded cheesy. But she said it made her feel great and loved the music. I dismissed it thinking that celebrities will do crazy things. I have to say though, I kept remembering that her body was FIERCE! Could the dance class have something to do with that? Hmmm…..
I admit that I didn’t know what the hell to wear to this. I wasn’t about to embrace the booty shorts that the instructor wore so proudly. Baby steps, my dear. But regular workout stuff seemed so…regular. I opted for capri leggings and a sports bra. Whatever.
The ladies in the class seemed like girls on the first day of school – excited, very nervous and just wanting everyone to like them. I can relate. But as soon as the lights went down and the music started and the instructor gently, calmly led us through the warm up grinding hip exercises and other sexy moves, we were like fish to water. Love, love love! I was amazed at how far out I could jut my hips and it felt GOOD. Finally, a class that really stretches those feminine muscles that no bootcamp class will do! You go gyrate your hips like that in your gym class and they will pull a citizen’s arrest on your ass. Scandalous! But here? Have at it ladies! WORK IT!
Towards the end of the class, we FINALLY got to learn a trick on the pole. I was so anxious, I felt my palms sweat. How long had it been since I tried something totally foreign to me? It was exhilarating and petrifying at the same time.
The pole move we learned was the FIREFLY – and let me tell you, it is SEXY. AND, it was a lot easier than I thought. Considering my upper arm strength is that of a small child, the idea of supporting my weight on a pole was rather unfathomable. I was sure that I would be less like a gazelle and more like a bear trying to go up a tree – very unnatural and incredibly hilarious. However, I did it. And I wanted more.
At dinner that night, I told my husband that I was taking the pole dancing class. I wasn’t going to tell him. For one, I would sound like a total hypocrite because I wouldn’t even have dinner with his friend and the girl he was dating because she was a stripper. I was THAT dead set against strippers and I still am. But as I said, this class is not about learning how to dance for men or money. Although, I doubt any boyfriend or husband of the ladies in the pole dancing class are complaining that we are doing this. After all, I came out of today’s class feeling so sexy….well, let’s just say I was excited to see my husband later that day.
Ahem. Anyhoo, I told my husband and he of course, was very enthusiastic. I told him that my feelings about strippers hasn’t changed to which he eye-rolled heavily and said “I know.” I then told him that I learned the Firefly on the pole. Everything stopped. He dropped his knife and fork and wide-eyed said “WHAT’S THE FIREFLY?!” I don’t think I had that much undivided attention since our honeymoon! “Oh, I can’t show you. We don’t have a pole,” I said coyly. He frowned. “Well, can you describe it?” he asked. “Mmmm…. Not really,” I said. I am having so much fun torturing him. Who knew the class would be so fun for the BOTH of us??!!
We are told that in 2 weeks we have to do heels. As in the six-inch stripper heels. I can barely do the moves and sexy walk in bare feet and I NEVER wear heels more than 3 inches… I am a total spaz when it comes to heel-wearing..help. I am going to have to wrap myself in bubble wrap.
LADIES – GET YOUR SEXY ON! It is too easy for us to forget how to feel sexy. I have not been married long, but already, there are times when I am in sweatpants, hair a mess and just don’t give a sh*t. And that’s fine. But we can very easily slip into this program on a regular basis. And my husband, god love him, sometimes only sees the dinner on his plate and the evening news in front of him and I am just not the focus. And that’s fine too – occasionally. You MUST allow yourself to feel special and sexy. Go buy yourself a sexy pair of undies – lace, silk – whatever. Listen – why do you think that guys love the Halloween party with the cheesy girls in the “slutty nurse” or “trampy pirate” costume? Yeah, they are men. You do not need a special reason to wear sexy lingerie. Do it for yourself and you will find that you are walking just a little sexier, confidence is a tad higher. And I promise that the man in your life will appreciate it.
Hello you sexy ladies!!! Okay, call me cheesy. Go ahead. I don’t mind. Of course, it depends on what kind of cheesy, doesn’t it? Well, I dove into the cheese feet first and signed up for the S Factor Pole Dancing class. Yup. You learn how to dance sexy and work the pole.
Let me tell you ladies, it’s GENIUS! I am probably like a lot of you women in my dislike for strippers and what they stand for. It does a huge disservice to us emancipated women who want to be seen as more than a sex object and not “working” for men’s money. But, and this is a big BUT – women should be able to feel sexy and proud of their bodies right?
For me, I first had to get over the whole stripper thing. You will never find me at a strip club. HELL no. But this class is women only (no men or dollar bills in sight). If you take away the ick factor of stripping and see the S Factor program as an exercise class with dancing, then you get it. After passing that hurdle, the reason for me to go to Pole dancing class was simple – I really missed dancing sexy to good music!! And when I say good music, I mean the dirty, sexy rap music with lyrics like “So I let her lick the lollipop” and “Drop it Low girl!” Who knew that a white wasp girl like me would find that music to be what I get my funk on with?!
I miss the days back in college when me and the girls would go to the dance clubs and hold court on the dance floor. We would dance for 3 hours straight! Right Julie?? Right Becky?? Yes! And it was FUN! And it was a major workout. Now, I go to spinning class and have to listen to that techno crap or I try yoga and feel tortured because it is just too damn slow for an A-type personality like myself.
So enter S Factor. Who wouldn’t want to know how to twirl around on a pole? Reminds me of the junglegym at school. I was surprised by the variety of ladies in the class. There were younger, older, skinny, robust, all sorts. And their reasons for going to the class were wonderful – one lady said she is a mother of two and just needs to “find her sexy again.” One young very smart girl said she just needs to be in tune with herself more and feel good.
The first class was last week and we did a ton of warm up moves and sexy hip rolls. I have to say that with a history of bad hips in my family, this class is excellent for working and stretching the hips. And it feels good ladies. They keep the class almost completely dark and no mirrors so it’s not about watching the girl next to you and comparing or studying yourself in the mirror. It’s about letting go and feeling good.
I did a little eye-rolling when the instructor explained how we are all sexy women and should explore our bodies and I REALLY eye-rolled when during hip-rolling, she asks you to caress your curves with your hand as you slide it down your body. “OH MY!” But hey, it definitely made me connect with my body that’s for sure!
Of course, I was not the biggest fan of having to sit through the demo by the instructor at the end and watch her rather ample ass in small tight shorts undulate around. It was rather unappetizing to me. But I concentrated on just seeing this as “educational” and trying to learn the movements.
At the end of the class, I felt stretched out, all my muscles had been worked and I did, in fact feel sexy.
LADIES – My advice to you today is to TRY SOMETHING NEW. Get out of your box. Take a new class. Go learn a language. Just trying something new will make you feel refreshed, excited and focused on YOU – and You are the most important person!!!
More on the pole dancing class as I progress…..gulp.
HEY THERE LADIES!! I just had lunch with a friend and now I am totally depressed. She is getting divorced. Another one bites the dust. This lovely woman is a new friend so I have just made her acquaintance and therefore knew pretty much nothing about her husband or her marriage. We spent the lunch with her recanting the highs and mostly lows of her over 20 year marriage. The husband turned out to be a liar, cheater, drug user, and overall a-hole. (sigh). The woman is a typical stand-by-your-man, upstanding citizen, hardworking career woman, non-cheating, truthful wife. So I am in my car, driving home, thinking Why, Why, Why? I feel my stomach turning and my throat get dry. I am anxiety-ridden. “Why are you feeling this way?” you ask. It isn’t MY marriage that is falling apart. It isn’t MY husband who is cheating. So what's my deal? Why do I feel threatened?
Well, I will share a little secret with you – I am PARANOID that my husband will cheat. I am not making scenarios up now my dear ladies. My feelings have some solid ground from which my annoying weed is growing, threatening to destroy my garden of Eden. Look at the statistics. So many cheaters out there. I have two friends who just went through divorces this year. The husbands? Cheaters. I have a friend who just found out her longtime boyfriend is cheating. It seems to be all around me. Has it been like this forever or is it a new epidemic? Was I NUTS to get married? Are we doomed?
I feel as though I am realistic about marriage. It is hard work and anything can happen. After all, I have many divorces in my family so I have been up close and personal with it and all the ugliness that goes with divorce and know that it can happen to anyone. And it happened to some pretty great people. Sure, my marriage is great now – it’s been only 6 months. My friend going through this divorce is so pretty and in great shape and she said that her husband said he wouldn’t have sex with her until she lost weight!!! I told her I would have told him to shove it up his ass. But after 10 years of marriage, will I still stand up for myself? Would I let my husband talk to me like that? God I hope not. Perhaps I am being Chicken Little by thinking so gloomily about the possibilities or am I simply being smart and realistic that it could happen?
WHY CAN’T MEN KEEP THEIR PENIS TO THEMSELVES? WHY ARE THEY SO WEAK? What’s the secret to a non-cheating marriage? I know the men blame the women a lot – you neglected me, you got fat, you’re like my mother now…. And women do the same – you never tell me I’m pretty, we never go out…. So how to keep the love alive? Faith? Sexy lingerie? Threatening death and dismemberment? Do I keep him tied up and not let him outside the house? That's seems a little.....extreme. I really don’t know. I can only try to stifle that voice inside me that says “it happens all the time…it is so common…” and believe that my marriage is not going to fall into that cliché. I will do everything I can. I wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place if I didn’t believe in him, in us, in marriage. So, like George Michael says, “You Gotta Have Faith.”
So true George, so true.
LESSON FOR THE LADIES – Have faith in yourself. If you know that you are strong and can deal with anything and deserve respect, love and a kind man then I think you can have that. I constantly have to “remind” my husband to comment when I look nice or to take me out to dinner once in a while. If we are rude to each other, we remind each other that we are being rude. You have to constantly demand respect. It can be tiring but it is worth it. Stand up for yourself. And he will respect you and love you for it. And COMMUNICATE with your husband. As soon as you stop talking to each other about what’s bothering you and how you feel, your foundation can collapse and then, all of a sudden, your marriage is like THE WAR OF THE ROSES movie. Scary.