Monday, October 25, 2010

BAAGH

Hello Lovely Ladies!

When I was in India a couple of years ago with my father and little sister, we went to the Ranthambore State Park to see the tigers (baagh). It was a wondrous and exotic place and I was enthralled with the tiger’s strength, commanding presence and sheer beauty. The pure, natural nature of a tiger is so simple yet so powerful. Oh to be a tiger! I encourage you ladies to remember the pure, natural essence of a woman and how powerful we are just by being ourselves. Women are the ones who bring people together. Like tigers, we watch over and see everything and can take action in seconds. We roam the earth and feel connected to it. We are the ones who command respect and power simply by doing our daily tasks. Here’s to you all, the lady tigers!!



I dreamt I was a tiger, the Tigresse of Ranthambore.
Almighty, Almighty, Hear me Roar.
The Indian sun shone down and warmed my fur.
I licked my huge paw and yawned.
Oh, to be the one whom everyone fears,
They are all in hiding, from the antelope to the deers.
But I can wait.
I glide my tongue along my immense teeth,
I am a glorious, most beautiful beast,
Take a look and you’ll agree.
My senses are heightened, at full alert,
Who to eat for dinner and then dessert?
My strength and power I will soon assert.
And they will fall.
But I only take what I need.
To be a natural animal is to be without greed.
I must merely walk around and the others I lead.
That is the way it should be.
Please be wary and watch your step.
I may seem calm but I haven’t leapt.
And I just might.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Top 10 Questions Most Vile for Single Women

Ladies!!
Here is number 3 on the Top 10 List. I hope these are resonating with you, whether you are single or married for 20 years. I will never forget. It’s as memorable to me as if it were yesterday. I understand what “All the Single Ladies” (go Beyonce, it was my theme song last year!) are going through and all I can say is We Shall Overcome!
:)


3. QUESTION: “IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT”

This classic statement has been heard throughout the nation by unwelcoming single ears. It’s one of my personal favorites. Let us ponder this statement shall we? Well, let’s see, if you’re at a party, and you are single and a cute guy starts talking to you, aren’t you maybe thinking, “Gee, this guy’s cute. Maybe he would ask me out.” Probably. Or wherever you are seeing a cute guy, isn’t that going to remind you that you are a single woman looking for a cute guy? It is always in the back of the minds of single ladies that they are, in fact, single and open to meeting a guy.  Society won’t let us forget that we are single – especially on Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve and at weddings. Sure, my married friends get hit on by guys and they don’t expect it but that’s just lame and makes me think men are pigs and well, just overall makes me grumpy.


So how can it happen when you least expect it? At a gay bar? A women’s symposium? In the Tampax aisle at the grocery store? Lady Gaga concert? Perhaps at a flower arranging class? (Gay men would make FABULOUS husbands if it weren’t for the sex part). Or maybe after a near-fatal accident while I’m in a body cast in the hospital. That’s it! My doctor will be really hot and he’ll nurse me back to health, giving me sponge baths and then, on the day the body cast is removed, he will get down on one knee and pop the question. COME ON.


I’ve heard evil rumors of women who are just friends for a long time with a guy and then allofasudden after two years, they get hit by Cupid and whammo, the guy turns into Prince Charming. Smells fishy doesn’t it? This scenario makes me confused because for me, physical chemistry is VERY important so if the chemistry is there, he’s no friend. And if I think he’s hot and we could be good together, it’s pretty easy to get him in bed. (He’s a man after all). The thought of chemistry growing over time sounds to me like a fungus in a petri dish – nothing good going on there. If Edgar wasn’t hot before to you, how is he hot now? Are you using hallucinogenic drugs? Are you drunk? Or lord no girl, don’t tell me that you are settling!!! 

For me, I wanted heart-stopping, weak in the knees, fireworks love and I found it. Having a friend to spend your golden years with is a nice concept, but as my friend calls her chemistry-missing sometimes date, “Comfy sweater” – he’s dependable but how exciting is he? No wonder she is still looking for that guy who makes her heart go pitter-patter.  I wanted the Full Monty people. It was the only way I knew I had a shot at a long marriage. I knew that we could get through any argument or tough time as long as my heart was completely in it. And, let’s face it, I’m a total hopeless romantic. I even had a shirt in high school that said “Im an Incurable Romantic” on it.
And finding it was not a surprise. The fact that it was love at first sight and so fast was rather a shock, but I had been training for this all my life ladies. And I helped make it happen. WHY? Because I am a smart girl who takes action and decided that fate needed a little push. And being Crazy Old Maid Aunt Lindsley just was NOT going to work for me. So online dating I went (again) and found the guy in one month. Done.

My friend Taylor’s response when she is asked this laughable question is dead-on correct. When told that it will happen when she least expects it, she replies “Well, then it should have happened two years ago because that’s when I gave up – I haven’t been expecting it for years!” She really cracks me up. You tell ‘em sister!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

SOAPBOX RANT

Hi Ladies!
I hope the week is going splendidly wonderful for you all. I myself am doing great except for the ridiculous things I have to endure on tv, in the news, etc. So I am stepping up on my pink soapbox and shaking my fists at how morally lame people can be.

I have something to say Dammit!

Here's what I just read on the newswire:
INFIDELITY WEBSITE WANTS CHEATING MINER: Most of the rescued Chilean miners are figuring out how much their story is worth to journalists, but one appears to have extra financial opportunities: Yonni Barrios, the miner with the audacity to invite both his wife and his mistress to greet him when he left the mine, has been invited to be the new face of Ashley Madison, the website that helps married people have affairs. The Daily Mail says the company has offered Barrios $100,000, but there’s a catch—he has to remain married to his wife; otherwise, he won’t be cheating anymore. Barrios has been married for 28 years.

Now I ask you ladies, What the Hell Has come of this World??? We live in a society where it is okay to be single, it's okay to have domestic partners, it's okay to be a single mom. You do NOT HAVE TO GET MARRIED!!! So I ask you fellow females, why the hell would someone be or stayed married if all they are going to do is cheat?? What's the point? Convenience? A little wife at home and a vixen at the office? If you want to be a playboy (or playgirl), then go be one. And stop torturing these poor women who actually take a vow to commit to you, you stupid slob. 

I swear men have the most fragile egos I have ever seen. They constantly need attention and reassurance that they are wonderful. And many, who are spineless and weak, need to go out and seek some seedy satisfaction from another woman because they just can't seem to Man-up.
And DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED on the media. Ashley Madison - you whore!!! Glorifying cheating? You may as well go incinerate some puppies or smack some babies around. Why hasn't anyone headed up a campaign against this trash? I can't believe the Born Agains and the religious fanatics have not blown their top on this. Sure, they are extremely annoying and eye-rolling crazy, but I was counting on them to at least bring some attention to the obvious fact that it is gross.
So many are making money at being bad. And now this miner who was a complete nobody is going to make a fortune (100 grand is definitely a fortune in Chile) just because he let his penis do the walking. I am So over it. (sigh)

Anyone else feel the same way??

Sunday, October 17, 2010

TOP 10 QUESTIONS, COMMENTS AND OTHER THINGS MOST PAINFUL FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY


Hello Ladies!!
This is part 2 of the Top 10. If you missed the first one, here's a reminder:
When I was single, which was not too long ago  (before June), I had written a lot about the trials and tribulations of being single. This excerpt was particularly made an impact on me because it really summed up what a lot of single women are feeling and how other people’s seemingly innocent comments can be like daggers to the heart. This list of the TOP 10 will be done in a series, with one each day just for you!
Single ladies have THICK skins. We have to. You would not believe the comments and questions we get all about the state of our singledom. Pregnant women complain that their big belly gives everyone the open door policy to tell them their sage advice on pregnancy or worse, their horror stories on labor, delivery, never getting your body back, etc. But I say the WORST experience for a woman is the open invitation people seem to think they have received to comment on your life, if you just happen to be single and over 35. Us women in this state know the all too wince-provoking, “inevitable like death,” idiotic and just plain rude things people will say. 
 
2. QUESTION: “DO YOU THINK YOU WILL EVER GET MARRIED?”
This is as ridiculous as question one and very similar. I have so many wonderful responses for this question. I would love to say: “Let me get out my magic crystal ball and see if it will be so.” Even better would be to carry around an 8-Ball and take it out and shake it and say “I should have an answer for you in a minute.” That should shut them up. I also would love to answer in a way that may take some thought on their part. I would say very seriously, “Yes! It will be February 2011. God, I can’t wait to meet him!” Haha. Or super fun would be to say "Well, I'm pretty sure but he's in prison so I have to wait a few years." The look on their face would be priceless. 


This question is impossible to answer and to ask an impossible question is just plain idiotic. They may as well be asking me if Jesus exists. How the hell should I know? Are they expecting you to then pour your heart out and say that you really hope you get married, but you don’t know if it will ever happen and it’s one of your worst fears and then burst out into tears right on the spot? I wish people knew that these questions are the equivalent to ripping out our hearts and stomping on them. 


I guess the nicest and simplest answer you could give them would be to simply say “I really don’t know.” But you know they will never be okay with just that. They will offer advice that they are SURE you have never thought of like trying a new activity to meet men. That’s a classic. When my psychiatrist recommended I take up a musical instrument or a language class to meet men, I wanted to lunge at his throat. Didn’t he know I was already exhausted as it was trying to locate Mr. Right?? Now I have to learn goddamn Italian?? And if ONE MORE person offers to give me their worn and loved copy of “The Secret,” I am going to seriously lose my shit. That book is lame. It’s exactly the same thing as therapy people. You go in, talk about your life, focus on what you want and what you need to change and then go do it. Duh. If you think all day about not eating pie, you probably will remember to not eat pie. Or, you may do what I do sometimes and say “F*ck it” and go enjoy some goddamn pie. Everything is WORK. Just sitting in your bedroom putting a piece of paper with “Millionaire” as your goal on it in your Disney Princess jewelry box and wishing and hoping to be a millionaire is not going to make you win Publisher’s Clearing House. It just don’t work  that way kids. Sorry.
Ladies, when you are asked this question, you can make light of it by waxing philosophical and say “Who knows? The world is a fickle place. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow. My future husband could get hit by a bus tomorrow.”  While they ponder your enlightened thoughts, you can look at your watch and be conveniently late for something. 
Have a PINK day ladies!
XOXO


Thursday, October 14, 2010

Before I SCREAM

Hey Ladies!

Have you ever had a really bad day? Yeah, me too. 
Here is a poem I created just for such an occasion:


 
Before I SCREAM

I won’t show that I’m upset.
I won’t talk of despair or regret.
BEFORE I SCREAM
I won’t tell you of my hopes, my fears,
I won’t talk about my dreams.
BEFORE I SCREAM
I will not alter my thinking or change my daily routine.
BEFORE I SCREAM
I won’t speak of the anger building inside,
Or wipe off the polite smile behind which I hide.
BEFORE I SCREAM
I refuse to clear my conscience and forgive myself my wrongs,
I will not smell the flowers or listen to my favorite song.
BEFORE I SCREAM
I will not ask for help and come to you on bended knee.
I won’t look in the mirror and take a look to really see.
BEFORE I SCREAM
I won’t talk of compassion or camaraderie,
Of mutual distrust or blatant misery.
BEFORE I SCREAM
But if one more person asks me how I am doing,
I WILL SCREAM

Okay Ladies, now all together, 1.2.3. SCREAAAAAAAAAM

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

10 QUESTIONS, COMMENTS AND OTHER THINGS MOST PAINFUL FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY

When I was single, which was not too long ago  (before June), I had written a lot about the trials and tribulations of being single. This excerpt particularly made an impact on me because it really summed up what a lot of single women are feeling and how other people’s seemingly innocent comments can be like daggers to the heart. This list of the TOP 10 will be done in a series, with one each day just for you!


Single ladies have THICK skins. We have to. You would not believe the comments and questions we get all about the state of our singledom. Pregnant women complain that their big belly gives everyone the open door policy to tell them their sage advice on pregnancy or worse, their horror stories on labor, delivery, never getting your body back, etc. But I say the WORST experience for a woman is the open invitation people seem to think they have received to comment on your life, if you just happen to be single and over 35. Us women in this state know the all too wince-provoking, “inevitable like death,” idiotic and just plain rude things people will say.

1. QUESTION: “WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?”

This is the absolute number one question that makes single women want to go postal. Why such an insanely ridiculous question is even asked is beyond my comprehension. How the HELL do I know why I’m still single, you jackass?! You might as well ask me “What’s the cure for cancer?” Nobody knows WHY they are not married or haven’t found the one. So quit asking us dammit! It’s not like you get to look in a Christmas catalog and shop and order your husband (which is EXACTLY what some poor souls think what online dating is), complete with what color, texture, height and delivery time you want.

The inevitable question becomes more of an accusation like there must be something wrong with you or that you are deliberately sabotaging yourself so you can remain alone forever. Who am I, Tom Hanks in “Castaway” stuck out in the middle of nowhere with no hope in sight? Hey all you married or taken people, stop hitting us single people while we’re down, will you? The question may as well be posed as “What’s wrong with you?” because that’s exactly what the single question implies – You did something to make yourself undesirable. Well, let me tell you, the only thing we DIDN’T do is give up on our dreams and settle. We might not have someone to say “Honey, I’m home” to, but did you ever think that we might not be suicidal? We may actually be a happy person and still have hope that someone IS in fact out there for us. There’s definitely some knowledge I think you have when you’re single that married people seem to not have. It’s like being street smart, but for dating – let’s call it “Single Smart.”  When you’re Single Smart, you know that being married is not the “be all, end all.” Why? Because you get to be the observer of other people’s marriages. And sometimes it ain’t pretty. I see some married guys ogling me like I’m the most delicious candy bar and they are a hungry fat kid. I see married couples out in public walking with miserable frowns on their faces like they have been sentenced to death. They look more alone than I do. Or I see them sitting together and not having a word to say. Don’t think that just because you’re married, that you have it better. My friend Mary gets hit on by married men all the time. Think about it – it could be your Honeykins or Lovey Dovey out there prowling. So check yourself before you get on someone else’s case.

When you get married, you realize that you’re stuck with your husband’s annoying habits and behaviors FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. The fact that he’s a slob, or that he will never buy you flowers, or maybe that he loves watching sports and would rather sit on the couch watching tv than go out and enjoy the beautiful day outside (do you know my ex-fiance??/!!), or that he will never EVER look anything like George Clooney – whatever it might be, it can be really tough. Marriage is WORK. Of course, it’s also wonderful, but it is a commitment and if the two people involved aren’t willing to make it work, come hell or high water, then that marriage can royally suck. And when I get married men hitting on me or see a husband cussing out his wife on the street, it just makes me say, “Well, I may be alone, but at least I don’t have to deal with THAT.” Someone else’s misery can be my validation. And if it’s wrong, well, so be it.

Being Single Smart allows me to not have to put up with a guy’s shit because I’m not in a relationship with them and I wasn’t stupid enough to marry them. I don’t have to watch my boyfriend be overly attentive to the buxom woman at the party, just waiting to ream him when we get home. I don’t have to worry if he remembered to change the light bulb in the hallway and I don’t have to fight with him over who is going to walk the dog late at night. Nope. It’s all up to me, and if there’s one thing I know, it’s that I know I can count on me. I’m not planning on leaving me or arguing with myself over nothing. With me, I know exactly what to expect. I’m never going to let me down. GOD I LOVE ME. Me and I are going to be together for a long, long time. I know that for a fact.  Of course, it would be really great to be able to count on someone else for a change.  It seems everyone wants me to settle, so afraid that I will die alone. When my mom rides my ass about not having a husband, I just say, “Well, I could have married those two idiots who were wrong for me and be divorced by now. Would that make you happy?” Jeez. Get off my back. My advice for you ladies when you are asked this particularly repulsive question is to simply say “Are you SERIOUSLY asking me that?” This should make them see that it is, in fact, a stupid question. Unless, of course, they are the dumbest person on earth, then you should just say “Oh look, my glass is empty!” and head to the bar.

Go Single Ladies in the PINK!!!

THE 5 COMMANDMENTS OF A YET-TO-BE BRIDE

I wrote these a few years ago after attending one too many weddings and wanting to remind myself of what NOT to do should I ever (God willing) get married. It is fun to look back at them now that I am married and I think it is wise advice (some of which I didn’t take).
DISCLAIMER – I am VERY sarcastic (my friends are rolling their eyes right now). So this is meant to be taken with a ginormous grain of salt. It’s fun people, not Dr. Phil!

If I ever do get married (not due to settling, desperation or to prove anything – ONLY for true love), I will try to remember a few things that my friends and I have noticed, surmised, discussed and bitched about when it comes to weddings.
  1. MOST PEOPLE WILL NOT BE EXCITED TO SHARE IN YOUR JOY, AS IN THE ACTUAL WEDDING.
They will ACT as if it is the best thing since sliced bread, and they will be genuinely happy that you found THE guy, but they will not be doing cartwheels down the hall to attend your wedding – that is, unless you live in the middle of nowhere where there is NOTHING to do but go to a wedding. You will see the invitation to a wedding as a responsibility and not as a fun exciting event. Before you want to stab me in the heart calling me a cruel, heartless person, go ask your friends if I’m wrong. DON’T ask the friends who will lie to be politically correct and say that they were soooo excited to be at their friend’s wedding. They know perfectly well that a wedding is not just a wedding. There’s the engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party, etc. The amount of time and money spent is enormous. It’s not that I didn’t have fun at my friends’ weddings or enjoy buying them gifts, it’s just that I have had more exciting times in my life (like going to Paris with the family) and could have found better ways to spend my money. And don’t you dare feel slighted by these comments. It’s just a fact. Weddings and things like this are rites of passage that we must go to for our friends. I personally would rather take my friend to Hawaii for a girl’s weekend and have some quality time, than fly seven hours to get to see her for 10 minutes at the wedding and sit with her annoying cousin. As I said, there are much better ways to spend one’s time. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard my friends say “Ugh, we have ANOTHER wedding to go to next weekend.” Or, if they are part of the wedding party, it’s usually a bitch session on how much it is costing them. “I could have gone to Club Med in the Virgin Islands for what I’m spending on this wedding. The hotel, the airfare, the gifts….” And so on. I myself have been in this position numerous times. The most ironic part is seeing your friend expect everyone to show up for the parties and buy the gifts for her wedding, but then she turns around and complains till the cows come home of everyone else’s wedding she has to attend. Ah, if only they could hear themselves.
REALITY CHECK – I tried to be realistic with my friends and family that my wedding was not the most exciting day of THEIR lives and understand when it was a big process to attend. I thank my family and friends for spending the time and money on me!!!
  1. THERE IS NO GOOD DAY FOR YOUR WEDDING.
Everyone likes to complain and you just can’t please everyone. Why someone chooses a major holiday for a wedding, like the 4th of July or around Christmas is beyond me. We have few enough vacations and holidays as it is, and now it has to be reserved for Peggy and Jason’s big day???!! As if the wedding wasn’t self-absorbed enough as it is, now it has to take over a whole holiday. You may think you are safe picking a random weekend say in September or March, but no. SOMEONE will have a beef about it, and more likely, a few people will. “But that’s little Joey’s Communion,” or “I’m having a boob job that weekend.” Whatever it is, they will have something better and more important to do. So, I will try not to take it personally that some people will think that I picked the most awful time in the universe for my happiest day ever.
REALITY CHECK: I myself am guilty of doing this!! I must have had Bride Brain because a few weeks after we chose our date, some kind soul pointed out to me that the Sunday brunch following the wedding was FATHER’S DAY. I felt like an asshole. But there was nothing I could do. (Sigh).
  1. YOUR WEDDING WILL BE COMPARED TO EVERYONE ELSE’S AND PEOPLE WILL BE DYING TO GIVE YOU ADVICE. Just mention that you are getting married and you are opening up the biggest SUGGESTION BOX that ever existed. Every detail is open to scrutiny, from what your colors will be, where the wedding is, what kind of cake, what design for your invitation, band or DJ, buffet or served, etc., etc. Your wedding becomes an open invitation for them to revisit their wedding ALL over again. You will have to look at wedding videos and albums. You won’t care, but you will have to. That’s what friends are for. Most brides think their wedding was the best wedding in the world. Even if their wedding was in Mexico in the 120 degree sun and their guests had heatstroke and diarreah, they will claim it was the best ever! They may have wanted to change one or two things, but overall, they will congratulate themselves on their choice of flamingo pink bridesmaid’s dresses and hiring the bad cover band.
REALITY CHECK: Everyone did have an opinion but most of the advice was great and appreciated. I don’t know what I would have done without my MOB’s wise advice and my uber gay wedding planner and BFF Robert’s “Oh honey, we are NOT doing that” guidelines. Of course, some comments were tres annoying like listening to my bank teller talk about the butterfly release she was going to have in her wedding at the top of a mountain. Oh geez. It took everything in me to not vomit on nature girl.
  1. PEOPLE DO NOT REMEMBER OR CARE ABOUT THE LITTLE DETAILS. I recall so many times my friends remarking on an aspect of their wedding that I could not remember to save my life. I was talking about an invitation to my birthday party I was creating, and my friend Sue mentioned her wedding invitation. “Remember I used that really cool silver border?” Since she was married over four years ago, and I can’t remember yesterday, I had no clue what she was talking about. Honestly, people really don’t remember EVERY detail about your wedding, only YOU do. They will remember the overall scene, d├ęcor, the bride’s dress, whether the food was good or bad, and they will remember who was drunk, but beyond that, the memories will be vague. Simply because it was not their day. Your guests will not study the event like a detective at a crime scene. “Ah, I see that the yellow napkins do not exactly match the tablecloths – aha!” Brides will drive themselves (and others) completely insane about the minutest detail. My friend worked herself into a frenzy over the individual place setting gifts for guests. She FINALLY decided on a small silver-plated frame the size of a mini-candy bar. “Isn’t it perfect??!!!” she exclaimed. I gave mine to Goodwill.
REALITY CHECK: I really tried not to obsess. Of course, the damn silver Chiavari chairs I wanted were going to cost $900 just for delivery since I got married in Sun Valley (which my wedding planner and I renamed Petticoat Junction) and I refused to spend that. So, we used the gold Chiavari chairs they had locally and no one knew the difference. But it almost killed me. Of course, no one but brides know how every single detail is a headache and major sleepless nights which is why I am NEVER DOING IT AGAIN. EVER.
  1. I WILL NOT HAVE BRIDESMAIDS.
    1. . NO F**CKING WAY. (See upcoming story to really understand my decision). First, I am too old for that bullshit. I think there should be a cap on that. Women over 30 should be banned from having bridesmaids. It is so lame. And being a bridesmaid sucks. Sorry friends. I was honored to be your bridesmaid but it is a task not a fun-filled adventure. And no, I never wore the dresses again. My friends don’t need to walk down a stupid aisle to know that they are important to me. And when you are single (which I was – terminally), being a bridesmaid is the equivalent of being put up for auction in front of everyone in the worst outfit you can imagine. Nightmare.