Monday, January 31, 2011


Hello Pink Ladies!!

Time for my weekly “How’s the Pole Dancing going?” update.

Today, I am not feeling sexy. Last week, my husband and I had a marathon of social events and last night topped it off with a cocktail party in Hollywood followed by a very late dinner out with copious amounts of liquor. Needless to say, the thought of going to my pole dancing class is making me want to put on flannel pajamas and hide in the bed. But go I must.

I was brave last week and purchased some of the booty shorts and leg warmers (pink of course) but looking at them now makes me wonder if I was out of my mind when I bought them. I decide that I WILL wear them….someday. Today, it’s all about low key and anything that hides bloat so capri leggings and a Flashdance-esque top it is. Hey, at least it’s in the theme of stripperdom – hello Jennifer Beals. Right?

Plus, I have a big ol’ shiner of a bruise right on my leg. Apparently, when I leapt onto the pole last week in all my glory, I slammed my leg right into it. I also have a scrape along my hand. I think I clawed myself accidentally. Oh dear.

I leave my husband on the couch (we are both exhausted) and I tell him that I am going to “work the pole.” OKAY! He says. In class, the ladies compare war wounds from last week’s class. Another gal has a massive black and blue on her knee the size of a baseball. Ouch. We begin warm-up and my muscles feel so tight. I just hope that one of these days I can do the leg split in the air and the “fiddle” without my legs shaking uncontrollably. It’s embarrassing and very far from stripper sexy. I can imagine me doing my “show” for my husband and him worrying that I am having an epileptic fit. Did I mention that this class is KILLER on the abs? It’s like pilates and ballet combined – oh but with some Mae West thrown in there for a little oomph!
We practiced the FIREFLY again and I just love twirling around on that pole. Wheeeeee! I even managed to whip my hair while turning which I thought was MOST impressive. We also learned the POLE SLIDE. I was very excited and imagined us climbing up the pole and sliding down, but was disappointed when it just involved you standing on the ground literally sliding your back down the pole. Now, I don’t expect to be Cirque du Soleil on the pole just yet but come on! That move didn’t even require for us to get ON the pole. Oh well. There is always next week.

At the end, we do a routine which is VERY fun. I can’t believe I am even doing a routine. I was always the kid on dance class going left when everyone else was going right. At one point, we do a back cat roll where you are on your belly and slide back over your knees. As I roll over my knees, I hear a crack, pop. Uh-oh. That HURT. This class is not so good on the knees. I decide to purchase knee pads after class. They recommend them for us old people. Who cares if I look like a hockey player? Maybe I’ll set a new trend in stripper wear. Gotta save the knees.

We are reminded that the next class requires the heels. Us ladies go look in the shop and as one of them pulls out a 6-inch heel, I gasp. GOOD LORD how the hell am I going to move in that??!! I know you have heard of limo shoes – well, these stripper shoes to me are LAY DOWN AND DO NOTHING SHOES! I am expected to bump and grind in those skyscrapers?  We’ll see. Judgement day cometh.

LADIES – GET ACTIVE. So many of us say we do not have the time to workout. The sneakers sit at home. Work, kids, life takes first place. But let me tell you – YOU WILL GET OLDER. I know. Don’t cry. Let’s just face it. Your bones and muscles need you to stay in shape. They need you to be responsible. I can’t tell you how painful getting back in shape has been. My flexibility is non-existent and my muscles are aching with what I am putting them through. But they will thank you. You will be happier and healthier. It doesn’t matter if all you start with is a walk at lunchtime, or 20 sit ups in the morning when you wake up. Just START. Begin. Time is a-wastin and time is on your ass.

Monday, January 24, 2011


Hello you sexy ladies!!!

Week two – here we go. S Factor.

 I am sore from the intro class. So it is doing something. That’s good. I wonder if the first class in the 8 week session will be as fun and as interesting as the intro class. I am still feeling like it’s a bit laughable that I am going to pole dancing class.

I remember back a few years ago that I had a client that had done the S Factor class. She was a gorgeous tall model and was married to a very famous TV soap star. When this mother of two told me she was taking a pole dancing class, I was taken aback. What for? I thought. Sounded cheesy. But she said it made her feel great and loved the music. I dismissed it thinking that celebrities will do crazy things. I have to say though, I kept remembering that her body was FIERCE! Could the dance class have something to do with that? Hmmm…..

I admit that I didn’t know what the hell to wear to this. I wasn’t about to embrace the booty shorts that the instructor wore so proudly. Baby steps, my dear. But regular workout stuff seemed so…regular. I opted for capri leggings and a sports bra. Whatever.

The ladies in the class seemed like girls on the first day of school – excited, very nervous and just wanting everyone to like them. I can relate. But as soon as the lights went down and the music started and the instructor gently, calmly led us through the warm up grinding hip exercises and other sexy moves, we were like fish to water. Love, love love! I was amazed at how far out I could jut my hips and it felt GOOD. Finally, a class that really stretches those feminine muscles that no bootcamp class will do! You go gyrate your hips like that in your gym class and they will pull a citizen’s arrest on your ass. Scandalous! But here? Have at it ladies! WORK IT!

Towards the end of the class, we FINALLY got to learn a trick on the pole. I was so anxious, I felt my palms sweat. How long had it been since I tried something totally foreign to me? It was exhilarating and petrifying at the same time.

The pole move we learned was the FIREFLY – and let me tell you, it is SEXY. AND, it was a lot easier than I thought. Considering my upper arm strength is that of a small child, the idea of supporting my weight on a pole was rather unfathomable. I was sure that I would be less like a gazelle and more like a bear trying to go up a tree – very unnatural and incredibly hilarious. However, I did it. And I wanted more.

At dinner that night, I told my husband that I was taking the pole dancing class. I wasn’t going to tell him. For one, I would sound like a total hypocrite because I wouldn’t even have dinner with his friend and the girl he was dating because she was a stripper. I was THAT dead set against strippers and I still am. But as I said, this class is not about learning how to dance for men or money. Although, I doubt any boyfriend or husband of the ladies in the pole dancing class are complaining that we are doing this. After all, I came out of today’s class feeling so sexy….well, let’s just say I was excited to see my husband later that day.

Ahem. Anyhoo, I told my husband and he of course, was very enthusiastic. I told him that my feelings about strippers hasn’t changed to which he eye-rolled heavily and said “I know.” I then told him that I learned the Firefly on the pole. Everything stopped. He dropped his knife and fork and wide-eyed said “WHAT’S THE FIREFLY?!” I don’t think I had that much undivided attention since our honeymoon! “Oh, I can’t show you. We don’t have a pole,” I said coyly. He frowned. “Well, can you describe it?” he asked. “Mmmm…. Not really,” I said. I am having so much fun torturing him. Who knew the class would be so fun for the BOTH of us??!!

We are told that in 2 weeks we have to do heels. As in the six-inch stripper heels. I can barely do the moves and sexy walk in bare feet and I NEVER wear heels more than 3 inches… I am a total spaz when it comes to I am going to have to wrap myself in bubble wrap.

LADIES – GET YOUR SEXY ON! It is too easy for us to forget how to feel sexy. I have not been married long, but already, there are times when I am in sweatpants, hair a mess and just don’t give a sh*t. And that’s fine. But we can very easily slip into this program on a regular basis. And my husband, god love him, sometimes only sees the dinner on his plate and the evening news in front of him and I am just not the focus. And that’s fine too – occasionally. You MUST allow yourself to feel special and sexy. Go buy yourself a sexy pair of undies – lace, silk – whatever. Listen – why do you think that guys love the Halloween party with the cheesy girls in the “slutty nurse” or “trampy pirate” costume? Yeah, they are men. You do not need a special reason to wear sexy lingerie. Do it for yourself and you will find that you are walking just a little sexier, confidence is a tad higher. And I promise that the man in your life will appreciate it.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


Hello you sexy ladies!!!
 Okay, call me cheesy. Go ahead. I don’t mind. Of course, it depends on what kind of cheesy, doesn’t it? Well, I dove into the cheese feet first and signed up for the S Factor Pole Dancing class. Yup. You learn how to dance sexy and work the pole.

Let me tell you ladies, it’s GENIUS! I am probably like a lot of you women in my dislike for strippers and what they stand for. It does a huge disservice to us emancipated women who want to be seen as more than a sex object and not “working” for men’s money. But, and this is a big BUT – women should be able to feel sexy and proud of their bodies right?

For me, I first had to get over the whole stripper thing. You will never find me at a strip club. HELL no. But this class is women only (no men or dollar bills in sight). If you take away the ick factor of stripping and see the S Factor program as an exercise class with dancing, then you get it. After passing that hurdle, the reason for me to go to Pole dancing class was simple – I really missed dancing sexy to good music!! And when I say good music, I mean the dirty, sexy rap music with lyrics like “So I let her lick the lollipop” and “Drop it Low girl!” Who knew that a white wasp girl like me would find that music to be what I get my funk on with?!

I miss the days back in college when me and the girls would go to the dance clubs and hold court on the dance floor. We would dance for 3 hours straight! Right Julie?? Right Becky?? Yes! And it was FUN! And it was a major workout. Now, I go to spinning class and have to listen to that techno crap or I try yoga and feel tortured because it is just too damn slow for an A-type personality like myself.

So enter S Factor. Who wouldn’t want to know how to twirl around on a pole? Reminds me of the junglegym at school. I was surprised by the variety of ladies in the class. There were younger, older, skinny, robust, all sorts. And their reasons for going to the class were wonderful – one lady said she is a mother of two and just needs to “find her sexy again.” One young very smart girl said she just needs to be in tune with herself more and feel good.

The first class was last week and we did a ton of warm up moves and sexy hip rolls. I have to say that with a history of bad hips in my family, this class is excellent for working and stretching the hips. And it feels good ladies. They keep the class almost completely dark and no mirrors so it’s not about watching the girl next to you and comparing or studying yourself in the mirror. It’s about letting go and feeling good.

I did a little eye-rolling when the instructor explained how we are all sexy women and should explore our bodies and I REALLY eye-rolled when during hip-rolling, she asks you to caress your curves with your hand as you slide it down your body. “OH MY!” But hey, it definitely made me connect with my body that’s for sure!

Of course, I was not the biggest fan of having to sit through the demo by the instructor at the end and watch her rather ample ass in small tight shorts undulate around. It was rather unappetizing to me. But I concentrated on just seeing this as “educational” and trying to learn the movements.

At the end of the class, I felt stretched out, all my muscles had been worked and I did, in fact feel sexy.

LADIES – My advice to you today is to TRY SOMETHING NEW. Get out of your box. Take a new class. Go learn a language. Just trying something new will make you feel refreshed, excited and focused on YOU – and You are the most important person!!!

More on the pole dancing class as I progress…..gulp.

Thursday, January 13, 2011


I just had lunch with a friend and now I am totally depressed. She is getting divorced. Another one bites the dust. This lovely woman is a new friend so I have just made her acquaintance and therefore knew pretty much nothing about her husband or her marriage. We spent the lunch with her recanting the highs and mostly lows of her over 20 year marriage. The husband turned out to be a liar, cheater, drug user, and overall a-hole. (sigh). The woman is a typical stand-by-your-man, upstanding citizen, hardworking career woman, non-cheating, truthful wife. So I am in my car, driving home, thinking Why, Why, Why? I feel my stomach turning and my throat get dry. I am anxiety-ridden. “Why are you feeling this way?” you ask. It isn’t MY marriage that is falling apart. It isn’t MY husband who is cheating. So what's my deal? Why do I feel threatened?

     Well, I will share a little secret with you – I am PARANOID that my husband will cheat. I am not  making scenarios up now my dear ladies. My feelings have some solid ground from which my annoying weed is growing, threatening to destroy my garden of Eden. Look at the statistics. So many cheaters out there. I have two friends who just went through divorces this year. The husbands? Cheaters. I have a friend who just found out her longtime boyfriend is cheating. It seems to be all around me. Has it been like this forever or is it a new epidemic? Was I NUTS to get married? Are we doomed?

I feel as though I am realistic about marriage. It is hard work and anything can happen. After all, I have many divorces in my family so I have been up close and personal with it and all the ugliness that goes with divorce and know that it can happen to anyone. And it happened to some pretty great people. Sure, my marriage is great now – it’s been only 6 months. My friend going through this divorce is so pretty and in great shape and she said that her husband said he wouldn’t have sex with her until she lost weight!!! I told her I would have told him to shove it up his ass. But after 10 years of marriage, will I still stand up for myself? Would I let my husband talk to me like that? God I hope not. Perhaps I am being Chicken Little by thinking so gloomily about the possibilities or am I simply being smart and realistic that it could happen?

What’s the secret to a non-cheating marriage? I know the men blame the women a lot – you neglected me, you got fat, you’re like my mother now…. And women do the same – you never tell me I’m pretty, we never go out…. So how to keep the love alive? Faith? Sexy lingerie? Threatening death and dismemberment? Do I keep him tied up and not let him outside the house? That's seems a little.....extreme.
I really don’t know. I can only try to stifle that voice inside me that says “it happens all the time…it is so common…” and believe that my marriage is not going to fall into that cliché. I will do everything I can. I wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place if I didn’t believe in him, in us, in marriage. So, like George Michael says, “You Gotta Have Faith.”

So true George, so true.

LESSON FOR THE LADIES – Have faith in yourself. If you know that you are strong and can deal with anything and deserve respect, love and a kind man then I think you can have that. I constantly have to “remind” my husband to comment when I look nice or to take me out to dinner once in a while. If we are rude to each other, we remind each other that we are being rude. You have to constantly demand respect. It can be tiring but it is worth it. Stand up for yourself. And he will respect you and love you for it. And COMMUNICATE with your husband. As soon as you stop talking to each other about what’s bothering you and how you feel, your foundation can collapse and then, all of a sudden, your marriage is like THE WAR OF THE ROSES movie. Scary.