Time for my weekly “How’s the Pole Dancing going?” update.
Today, I am not feeling sexy. Last week, my husband and I had a marathon of social events and last night topped it off with a cocktail party in Hollywood followed by a very late dinner out with copious amounts of liquor. Needless to say, the thought of going to my pole dancing class is making me want to put on flannel pajamas and hide in the bed. But go I must.
I was brave last week and purchased some of the booty shorts and leg warmers (pink of course) but looking at them now makes me wonder if I was out of my mind when I bought them. I decide that I WILL wear them….someday. Today, it’s all about low key and anything that hides bloat so capri leggings and a Flashdance-esque top it is. Hey, at least it’s in the theme of stripperdom – hello Jennifer Beals. Right?
Plus, I have a big ol’ shiner of a bruise right on my leg. Apparently, when I leapt onto the pole last week in all my glory, I slammed my leg right into it. I also have a scrape along my hand. I think I clawed myself accidentally. Oh dear.
I leave my husband on the couch (we are both exhausted) and I tell him that I am going to “work the pole.” OKAY! He says. In class, the ladies compare war wounds from last week’s class. Another gal has a massive black and blue on her knee the size of a baseball. Ouch. We begin warm-up and my muscles feel so tight. I just hope that one of these days I can do the leg split in the air and the “fiddle” without my legs shaking uncontrollably. It’s embarrassing and very far from stripper sexy. I can imagine me doing my “show” for my husband and him worrying that I am having an epileptic fit. Did I mention that this class is KILLER on the abs? It’s like pilates and ballet combined – oh but with some Mae West thrown in there for a little oomph!
We practiced the FIREFLY again and I just love twirling around on that pole. Wheeeeee! I even managed to whip my hair while turning which I thought was MOST impressive. We also learned the POLE SLIDE. I was very excited and imagined us climbing up the pole and sliding down, but was disappointed when it just involved you standing on the ground literally sliding your back down the pole. Now, I don’t expect to be Cirque du Soleil on the pole just yet but come on! That move didn’t even require for us to get ON the pole. Oh well. There is always next week.
At the end, we do a routine which is VERY fun. I can’t believe I am even doing a routine. I was always the kid on dance class going left when everyone else was going right. At one point, we do a back cat roll where you are on your belly and slide back over your knees. As I roll over my knees, I hear a crack, pop. Uh-oh. That HURT. This class is not so good on the knees. I decide to purchase knee pads after class. They recommend them for us old people. Who cares if I look like a hockey player? Maybe I’ll set a new trend in stripper wear. Gotta save the knees.
We are reminded that the next class requires the heels. Us ladies go look in the shop and as one of them pulls out a 6-inch heel, I gasp. GOOD LORD how the hell am I going to move in that??!! I know you have heard of limo shoes – well, these stripper shoes to me are LAY DOWN AND DO NOTHING SHOES! I am expected to bump and grind in those skyscrapers? We’ll see. Judgement day cometh.
LADIES – GET ACTIVE. So many of us say we do not have the time to workout. The sneakers sit at home. Work, kids, life takes first place. But let me tell you – YOU WILL GET OLDER. I know. Don’t cry. Let’s just face it. Your bones and muscles need you to stay in shape. They need you to be responsible. I can’t tell you how painful getting back in shape has been. My flexibility is non-existent and my muscles are aching with what I am putting them through. But they will thank you. You will be happier and healthier. It doesn’t matter if all you start with is a walk at lunchtime, or 20 sit ups in the morning when you wake up. Just START. Begin. Time is a-wastin and time is on your ass.
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