THE 5 COMMANDMENTS OF A YET-TO-BE BRIDE

I wrote these a few years ago after attending one too many weddings and wanting to remind myself of what NOT to do should I ever (God willing) get married. It is fun to look back at them now that I am married and I think it is wise advice (some of which I didn’t take).

DISCLAIMER – I am VERY sarcastic (my friends are rolling their eyes right now). So this is meant to be taken with a ginormous grain of salt. It’s fun people, not Dr. Phil!

If I ever do get married (not due to settling, desperation or to prove anything – ONLY for true love), I will try to remember a few things that my friends and I have noticed, surmised, discussed and bitched about when it comes to weddings.

1. MOST PEOPLE WILL NOT BE EXCITED TO SHARE IN YOUR JOY, AS IN THE ACTUAL WEDDING.

They will ACT as if it is the best thing since sliced bread, and they will be genuinely happy that you found THE guy, but they will not be doing cartwheels down the hall to attend your wedding – that is, unless you live in the middle of nowhere where there is NOTHING to do but go to a wedding. You will see the invitation to a wedding as a responsibility and not as a fun exciting event. Before you want to stab me in the heart calling me a cruel, heartless person, go ask your friends if I’m wrong. DON’T ask the friends who will lie to be politically correct and say that they were soooo excited to be at their friend’s wedding. They know perfectly well that a wedding is not just a wedding. There’s the engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party, etc. The amount of time and money spent is enormous. It’s not that I didn’t have fun at my friends’ weddings or enjoy buying them gifts, it’s just that I have had more exciting times in my life (like going to Paris with the family) and could have found better ways to spend my money. And don’t you dare feel slighted by these comments. It’s just a fact. Weddings and things like this are rites of passage that we must go to for our friends. I personally would rather take my friend to Hawaii for a girl’s weekend and have some quality time, than fly seven hours to get to see her for 10 minutes at the wedding and sit with her annoying cousin. As I said, there are much better ways to spend one’s time. I can’t tell you how many times I have heard my friends say “Ugh, we have ANOTHER wedding to go to next weekend.” Or, if they are part of the wedding party, it’s usually a bitch session on how much it is costing them. “I could have gone to Club Med in the Virgin Islands for what I’m spending on this wedding. The hotel, the airfare, the gifts….” And so on. I myself have been in this position numerous times. The most ironic part is seeing your friend expect everyone to show up for the parties and buy the gifts for her wedding, but then she turns around and complains till the cows come home of everyone else’s wedding she has to attend. Ah, if only they could hear themselves.

REALITY CHECK – I tried to be realistic with my friends and family that my wedding was not the most exciting day of THEIR lives and understand when it was a big process to attend. I thank my family and friends for spending the time and money on me!!!

2. THERE IS NO GOOD DAY FOR YOUR WEDDING.

Everyone likes to complain and you just can’t please everyone. Why someone chooses a major holiday for a wedding, like the 4^th of July or around Christmas is beyond me. We have few enough vacations and holidays as it is, and now it has to be reserved for Peggy and Jason’s big day???!! As if the wedding wasn’t self-absorbed enough as it is, now it has to take over a whole holiday. You may think you are safe picking a random weekend say in September or March, but no. SOMEONE will have a beef about it, and more likely, a few people will. “But that’s little Joey’s Communion,” or “I’m having a boob job that weekend.” Whatever it is, they will have something better and more important to do. So, I will try not to take it personally that some people will think that I picked the most awful time in the universe for my happiest day ever.

REALITY CHECK: I myself am guilty of doing this!! I must have had Bride Brain because a few weeks after we chose our date, some kind soul pointed out to me that the Sunday brunch following the wedding was FATHER’S DAY. I felt like an asshole. But there was nothing I could do. (Sigh).

3. YOUR WEDDING WILL BE COMPARED TO EVERYONE ELSE’S AND PEOPLE WILL BE DYING TO GIVE YOU ADVICE. Just mention that you are getting married and you are opening up the biggest SUGGESTION BOX that ever existed. Every detail is open to scrutiny, from what your colors will be, where the wedding is, what kind of cake, what design for your invitation, band or DJ, buffet or served, etc., etc. Your wedding becomes an open invitation for them to revisit their wedding ALL over again. You will have to look at wedding videos and albums. You won’t care, but you will have to. That’s what friends are for. Most brides think their wedding was the best wedding in the world. Even if their wedding was in Mexico in the 120 degree sun and their guests had heatstroke and diarreah, they will claim it was the best ever! They may have wanted to change one or two things, but overall, they will congratulate themselves on their choice of flamingo pink bridesmaid’s dresses and hiring the bad cover band.

REALITY CHECK: Everyone did have an opinion but most of the advice was great and appreciated. I don’t know what I would have done without my MOB’s wise advice and my uber gay wedding planner and BFF Robert’s “Oh honey, we are NOT doing that” guidelines. Of course, some comments were tres annoying like listening to my bank teller talk about the butterfly release she was going to have in her wedding at the top of a mountain. Oh geez. It took everything in me to not vomit on nature girl.

4. PEOPLE DO NOT REMEMBER OR CARE ABOUT THE LITTLE DETAILS. I recall so many times my friends remarking on an aspect of their wedding that I could not remember to save my life. I was talking about an invitation to my birthday party I was creating, and my friend Sue mentioned her wedding invitation. “Remember I used that really cool silver border?” Since she was married over four years ago, and I can’t remember yesterday, I had no clue what she was talking about. Honestly, people really don’t remember EVERY detail about your wedding, only YOU do. They will remember the overall scene, décor, the bride’s dress, whether the food was good or bad, and they will remember who was drunk, but beyond that, the memories will be vague. Simply because it was not their day. Your guests will not study the event like a detective at a crime scene. “Ah, I see that the yellow napkins do not exactly match the tablecloths – aha!” Brides will drive themselves (and others) completely insane about the minutest detail. My friend worked herself into a frenzy over the individual place setting gifts for guests. She FINALLY decided on a small silver-plated frame the size of a mini-candy bar. “Isn’t it perfect??!!!” she exclaimed. I gave mine to Goodwill.

REALITY CHECK: I really tried not to obsess. Of course, the damn silver Chiavari chairs I wanted were going to cost $900 just for delivery since I got married in Sun Valley (which my wedding planner and I renamed Petticoat Junction) and I refused to spend that. So, we used the gold Chiavari chairs they had locally and no one knew the difference. But it almost killed me. Of course, no one but brides know how every single detail is a headache and major sleepless nights which is why I am NEVER DOING IT AGAIN. EVER.

5. I WILL NOT HAVE BRIDESMAIDS.
1. . NO F**CKING WAY. (See upcoming story to really understand my decision). First, I am too old for that bullshit. I think there should be a cap on that. Women over 30 should be banned from having bridesmaids. It is so lame. And being a bridesmaid sucks. Sorry friends. I was honored to be your bridesmaid but it is a task not a fun-filled adventure. And no, I never wore the dresses again. My friends don’t need to walk down a stupid aisle to know that they are important to me. And when you are single (which I was – terminally), being a bridesmaid is the equivalent of being put up for auction in front of everyone in the worst outfit you can imagine. Nightmare.