Single ladies have THICK skins. We have to. You would not believe the comments and questions we get all about the state of our singledom. Pregnant women complain that their big belly gives everyone the open door policy to tell them their sage advice on pregnancy or worse, their horror stories on labor, delivery, never getting your body back, etc. But I say the WORST experience for a woman is the open invitation people seem to think they have received to comment on your life, if you just happen to be single and over 35. Us women in this state know the all too wince-provoking, “inevitable like death,” idiotic and just plain rude things people will say.
1. QUESTION: “WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?”
This is the absolute number one question that makes single women want to go postal. Why such an insanely ridiculous question is even asked is beyond my comprehension. How the HELL do I know why I’m still single, you jackass?! You might as well ask me “What’s the cure for cancer?” Nobody knows WHY they are not married or haven’t found the one. So quit asking us dammit! It’s not like you get to look in a Christmas catalog and shop and order your husband (which is EXACTLY what some poor souls think what online dating is), complete with what color, texture, height and delivery time you want.
The inevitable question becomes more of an accusation like there must be something wrong with you or that you are deliberately sabotaging yourself so you can remain alone forever. Who am I, Tom Hanks in “Castaway” stuck out in the middle of nowhere with no hope in sight? Hey all you married or taken people, stop hitting us single people while we’re down, will you? The question may as well be posed as “What’s wrong with you?” because that’s exactly what the single question implies – You did something to make yourself undesirable. Well, let me tell you, the only thing we DIDN’T do is give up on our dreams and settle. We might not have someone to say “Honey, I’m home” to, but did you ever think that we might not be suicidal? We may actually be a happy person and still have hope that someone IS in fact out there for us. There’s definitely some knowledge I think you have when you’re single that married people seem to not have. It’s like being street smart, but for dating – let’s call it “Single Smart.” When you’re Single Smart, you know that being married is not the “be all, end all.” Why? Because you get to be the observer of other people’s marriages. And sometimes it ain’t pretty. I see some married guys ogling me like I’m the most delicious candy bar and they are a hungry fat kid. I see married couples out in public walking with miserable frowns on their faces like they have been sentenced to death. They look more alone than I do. Or I see them sitting together and not having a word to say. Don’t think that just because you’re married, that you have it better. My friend Mary gets hit on by married men all the time. Think about it – it could be your Honeykins or Lovey Dovey out there prowling. So check yourself before you get on someone else’s case.
When you get married, you realize that you’re stuck with your husband’s annoying habits and behaviors FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. The fact that he’s a slob, or that he will never buy you flowers, or maybe that he loves watching sports and would rather sit on the couch watching tv than go out and enjoy the beautiful day outside (do you know my ex-fiance??/!!), or that he will never EVER look anything like George Clooney – whatever it might be, it can be really tough. Marriage is WORK. Of course, it’s also wonderful, but it is a commitment and if the two people involved aren’t willing to make it work, come hell or high water, then that marriage can royally suck. And when I get married men hitting on me or see a husband cussing out his wife on the street, it just makes me say, “Well, I may be alone, but at least I don’t have to deal with THAT.” Someone else’s misery can be my validation. And if it’s wrong, well, so be it.
Being Single Smart allows me to not have to put up with a guy’s shit because I’m not in a relationship with them and I wasn’t stupid enough to marry them. I don’t have to watch my boyfriend be overly attentive to the buxom woman at the party, just waiting to ream him when we get home. I don’t have to worry if he remembered to change the light bulb in the hallway and I don’t have to fight with him over who is going to walk the dog late at night. Nope. It’s all up to me, and if there’s one thing I know, it’s that I know I can count on me. I’m not planning on leaving me or arguing with myself over nothing. With me, I know exactly what to expect. I’m never going to let me down. GOD I LOVE ME. Me and I are going to be together for a long, long time. I know that for a fact. Of course, it would be really great to be able to count on someone else for a change. It seems everyone wants me to settle, so afraid that I will die alone. When my mom rides my ass about not having a husband, I just say, “Well, I could have married those two idiots who were wrong for me and be divorced by now. Would that make you happy?” Jeez. Get off my back. My advice for you ladies when you are asked this particularly repulsive question is to simply say “Are you SERIOUSLY asking me that?” This should make them see that it is, in fact, a stupid question. Unless, of course, they are the dumbest person on earth, then you should just say “Oh look, my glass is empty!” and head to the bar.
Go Single Ladies in the PINK!!!
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