I am on a quest for the Fountain of Youth in the form of plastic bottles with liquid inside. Yes, it has come to this. I am doing a juice cleanse.
Like Scarlett O'Hara said, Tomorrow is a new day. For my husband and I, this means starting our super exciting cleanse!
In order to prepare, they recommend you do a raw food diet the day before. So, I pick up some raw juice at Whole Foods (just to get me in the mood) and some raw hummus. In the morning, I hand my husband a banana and send him to work. I tell him to have a salad for lunch (not the usual salad he gets from Costco (so gourmet) loaded with chicken and cheese and probably a million calories, but something vegan-esque. I will then make lovely salad for dinner. “Oh goody,” my husband says sarcastically.
I eat a banana and start working. I head downstairs in robot mode to make coffee and Oh SNAP! I can’t have coffee. Sigh. I fill a giant glass of water. I eat the raw hummus for lunch which is kind of gross. Oh well. For dinner, I make a really nice salad and I do cheat and put some parmesan on top and I use olive oil even though raw means you are not supposed to. But good lord people, I have taste buds and they are crying out for some flavor!
The next day, the hubby stays home from work so he can be here to welcome the juice arriving from Fedex so we can begin our cleanse properly. We wait. 9:00. We wait. 10:00 We wait. At 10:20 (cutoff time for fedex priority is 10:30), a ginormous box arrives. We open it to reveal two soft pack coolers. We might as well be transporting live organs the way this is so delicately maneuvered and anticipated. We take out the juices and load up the fridge and open juice labeled #1. There will be 6 juices each day. The first juice is a green juice. Oh joy. I can’t believe I have to start my cleanse with the friggin worst juice I could imagine, the green one. But with a tentative sip, I realize it’s actually okay. They have put in just enough pear and lemon and ginger to cut the kale and dandelion and other cow-eating greens. “Mmmmmmmm, I LOVE the green juices!” my husband explains as he gulps his down. I roll my eyes.
Juice #2 two hours later is my favorite. Grapefruit and mint. So refreshing and delightful! And I don’t feel hungry. I do, however, feel a little out of it due to lack of caffeine. But onwards I go. I am the warrior of health.
Juice #3 is THE SAME DAMN GREEN JUICE again. Whatchou talkin’ about Willis??!! I have to have not one but TWO of these a day? Ugh. But sip away I do. Juice #4 is young coconut water which I normally don’t like because it has a funky taste to me. But the hubby again oohs and aahhs and tells me how much he loves coconut water. I note how ironic it is that I was the mastermind behind the cleanse and persuaded the hubby to do it and now here he is LOVING every little drop of every juice and I…well… it’s okay. Life is funny. Haha.
After juice #4, around 5 p.m., I am a bit grumpy. I have the start of a bit of a headache and I am feeling sluggish. The evening should be most exciting. We have juice #6 around 6:30 and I am surprised that is mostly a beet-based juice with more veggies and not much fruit. Where are the blueberries and Acai and guava and passion fruit my friend? Where’s the mango when you need it? The juice people at Cooler Cleanse must know what they are doing so I shrug my shoulders and drink up.
The final drink #6 is an almond milk drink that is sweet and kind of tastes like a milkshake. It was good, but I would rather have had a real milkshake.
We watch TV to distract ourselves from the non-food dining portion of the evening. My mind wanders and I think about the leftover prime rib and the homemade banana muffins and coconut pie that is in the kitchen. We had houseguests just a few days before and had whipped up a feast and it is haunting me. And it’s only been a day. Not even a day. We go to bed around 9:30 because there is nothing else to do.
DAY 2
I wake up feeling good. I’m not hungry, just in a bit of a fog. We have our lemon water (recommended starter) and at least it’s refreshing and good. I use meyer lemons which are like crack to me. Green juice #1 I sip ever so slowly. Feels like a very big bottle of juice eventhough it’s not. Juice #2 is easy. I drink juice #3 while I head to a meeting noticing EVERY SINGLE fast food and donut shop as I drive. They are on every corner of L.A. and the OC and I already knew that. But with my senses on high alert like a bear coming out of hibernation, I feel all of these food places screaming to me for attention. Be strong my friend.
That night, Jonathan and I look at each other grimly as we clink our juice bottles. “Bottoms up,” I say. Jonathan’s stomach grumbles angrily. I say “Just keep saying to yourself “NAPA” honey.” You see, I have a confession. Yes, we are doing a three day wonderful healthy cleanse. But then this weekend, we head to Napa to meet up with my little sister and her boyfriend for three days of food and drink extravaganza. So in just three days, I will be gorging myself. “Toughen up you pansy!” I scream to myself.
We go to bed feeling a sense of accomplishment that we have gotten through two days now with only one more to go.
DAY 3
I awake feeling lighter. I don’t feel like the energizer bunny but I feel a hyper-sense of my body which is kinda cool. We go through the day almost on auto-pilot. Just knowing this is the last day makes it much easier. I am tempted to grab a handful of almonds from the cupboard but I don’t. I will be SO MAD AT MYSELF if I can’t do this. Three days. Come on! I go for a massage and don’t even have a mint that is sitting on the counter on the way out. I will do this pure and true dammit.
We go to bed thrilled and as proud as peacocks that we did it!
DAY 4
My husband jokes that we should have eggs and bacon for breakfast to celebrate but I say that we are supposed to go slowly back into food and that means trying to stay raw. (I am being the voice of reason now??!! HOLY sh*t!)
I make the lemon water and then we have some green juice that I bought from Trader Joe’s that is actually pretty good. Could I have developed a palate for green juice?! Eureka! I weigh myself. I have lost FOUR pounds in FOUR days. That would make ANYONE a believer! I look and feel great. My skin looks peppy. The husband I decide the cleanse was a grand success and we both agree that we would do it again. Maybe in two weeks before we head to Hawaii.
For now, we are headed to Napa to reverse all the good we just did to our bodies. Yin and yang ladies. Yin and yang.
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