LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

Hey Ladies!
It is time once again for my continuation of the all-time STUPIDEST questions and comments made to single ladies. So here is number 6.


6. QUESTION: “HAVE YOU TRIED ONLINE DATING?”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Ummmmm helllloooooo….. aren’t we living in a virtual world? Am I 93 years old and living in an outhouse in  Siberia? Everyone I know who wants to fall in love has tried online dating. Okay, maybe not EVERYONE. I have a few stubborn ladies who refuse to try it in spite of my whining, persuading, advising and pain-in-the-assing. “But Becckkyyy, do you really want to be like me and not find your love until you are 40???!!” I would think this would make her gasp and shudder and send her running for the Match.com website but no. She is as stubborn as me and well, she needs to do it in her own time.

To some I say, “Um yeah, have you HEARD my stories?!!” And to others, I just drop to the floor laughing hysterically and say “Have I tried online dating?! Oh, that’s a good one!” You will see a little later why I feel this way about this particular subject. I have LOTS and LOTS of experience with online dating. YEARS of experience. You could say I went to the masters course in online dating. Some things are worth trying, and online dating is one of them. I can’t say that I would ever go back to it. I hope I never have to, oh lord help me! It’s like hiking the super scary Precipice Trail in Maine or eating snake for me – I tried it, cross it off the list and NEVER DO IT AGAIN. (By the way, even with the most horrific, salacious and mind-boggling online dating stories, I still forged ahead and never retreated through the blood and bodies and decimation and anguish and I did find the man I married through online dating. It is a necessary evil my dear.

For those single ladies who are asked this question, I think it is important to not take it personally. I know this is rather difficult as it is a personal question. It is your lovelife after all. But try to see it as a question, like “Have you tried a raw food diet or Zumba?” See it as a very casual question and it may be best to answer it casually with an answer like “Yes, I find it very amusing!” Or, “It’s on my bucket list.” Or you can say “I tried it but like champagne, it is delightful to some but gives others a splitting headache.” Should you get a puzzled look staring back at you, be kind. Understand that most people actually believe the hype of the commercials where it looks like ANYONE who tries online dating will be successful. So, they are simply thinking that it should be an obvious course of action for you, the single women, to go online for love.


ADVICE FOR ONLINE DATING FROM THE GENERAL:

As one who has been on the front lines until quite recently, I pass along my strategies and tactics that kept me alive through the most gruesome of online dating scrimmages.

1. BE PATIENT – think of online dating like a football game. Imagine you are there and the stadium is full of men. You look around and see that most of them are just not for you. In fact, most of them are just overall unpleasant. You do spot a couple of guys here and there who are kinda cute and seem good. Okay. Now realize that ALL of these men are online dating and emailing you. You are going to have to go through a lot of FREAKS and FROGS to get to one that you may want to meet up with for a drink. I have three ex-boyfriends from online dating – a good record if you ask me. They were wonderful guys but I didn’t meet the ONE until many years of online work. Sorry, but sometimes that’s just how it is. For some, it happens a lot faster and I pray and hope and will go eat some chocolate and light a candle and say a mantra that it will happen for you quickly.
2. 2. DO NOT MEET THEM FOR A MEAL. I learned this the hard way and spent many moments where I felt like it was THE LAST SUPPER. I was the bear caught in the trap who would rather gnaw off its own leg rather than remain in that place. I DO recommend meeting for a drink because many times, you will need a stiff drink to get through the date. Plan on buying your own drink so that you won’t owe the guy anything if the date is bad. If the date is good, by all means, he should buy your drink – a true gentleman is what we all deserve.
3. DO NOT GET EXCITED FOR THE DATE – this is extremely hard for us ladies as we are optimists and why the hell would we go on a date if we weren’t excited??? Well, I’ll tell you. If you try to look at it as just meeting someone and a “before-the-date” date then you won’t be as upset when he turns out to be one of the guys from “The Hangover.” Also, MAKE PLANS for after the meeting. That way, you did not get dressed up for nothing and you have an “out.” Plan a drink with online guy and then have dinner with friends. They will be there to console you if the guy was an idiot or they will be there to share in your excitement if the guy was wonderful.

4. DO NOT GET STUCK ON THE SMALL POINTS – Years ago, I wouldn’t date a guy who had a cat because I thought men who had cats were just weird. But that’s not always true. If you look at every little part of their profile and go through it with a fine-toothed comb, you will be disappointed. That’s because it allows you to judge before you have even met them. At a party, you might meet a cute funny guy and have a spark and then you can overlook the fact that he has a cat named Toodles. AND ladies – THE CLOTHES CAN BE CHANGED!!! Yes!!! I redid the wardrobe of many ex-boyfriends. I even redid the hairdo of an ex and his mother cried when she saw him! His entire community said he looked 10 years younger. I have redone most of my husband’s wardrobe now and let me tell you, the Hawaiian shirts have been given to Goodwill. Do NOT be focused entirely on the guy’s outfits. Most men are pretty bad about clothes. That is why they need us. He can be your Ken doll.
5. MEN ARE STUPID – yes. Just know it. The guy with a high school education who makes $20K a year and is overweight and seems to sweat in all of his photos may think he is PERFECT for the ivy-league professional woman who is drop dead gorgeous. They will try. Ignore them. Don’t even respond a polite “No thank you” because you will open up Pandora’s box. And, since men are stupid, also realize that many just aren’t the best at hunting. Do your own search and see who matches up with you and send a Hi. Then see what happens.
6. CHINESE WATER TORTURE – Do Not get yourself into this mess. Do not email back and forth for months. Do not IM for hours before you have met them!! Bad bad bad!! If the guy you are chatting with online ONLY wants to email or IM and doesn’t ask you for your number after a few emails back and forth, then offer your phone number. If he doesn’t call, drop him. If they guy ONLY wants to email or chat on the phone but just can’t seem to get it together to meet you, drop him. He’s probably married or looks like Quasimodo and doesn’t want you to see or he’s just a player.
7. PLAY THE FIELD – Men many times believe in quantity over quality so understand that the guys you are talking to are talking to many girls and don’t get offended. They don’t know you at all so it’s fair game. For the same reason, I recommend not hanging your hat on one guy who seems great. Instead - play the field. That way, you won’t be heart-broken when the one guy you liked turns out to be an a-hole. You will have others in play. Of course, when you meet a great one, go for it!! When I met my husband for our first date, we had instant fireworks. Months later, he told me that he had several dates lined up for the next couple weeks after he met me, but after just our first date, he canceled them all. Men will stop hunting when they find the one!!! That is, a GOOD man will stop hunting! I also closed my Match account after our third date. Boom. It was fast. And it should be once you meet the right guy.
8. HAVE A LITTLE FAITH – you will get frustrated. You will get depressed. You will find this to be a needle in the haystack game. You will think there is not one decent guy online. There will be times when you want to throw in the towel. Take a month or 6 month break and then try again. Just like being in anything too long that is challenging and difficult, you will get burnt out. I had to take a year break before going back online but I’m sure glad I did!!

BON CHANCE LADIES! LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

CHERCHEZ LA FEMME

Bonjour Ladies in the Pink!!

 I am well into my S Factor course and feeling dancer-esque. I want to dance like the Black Swan, I want to go buy a bunch of Danskin stuff, I want to blast Opera in my living room and jump around. Of course, this dancing is not exactly Baryshnikov, but it makes me feel like I am in tune with my body in ways that other exercise classes couldn’t.

I did it. I wore the pink booty shorts. I have underwear bigger. They barely cover my ass and I am thankful for the very VERY dark lights in class that make you quite comfortable. There is no way I would be wearing this in fluorescent lighting! I’m feeling tired today. Everyone around us has been sick and both me and my husband are functioning at half-mast. I put some blush and lipstick on to “get in the mood” and jump in the car.

As soon as I get to class and put on my pink legwarmers, I feel good. I know why I’m here. To feel sexy and confident. In the warm up, the instructor Lisa tells us often to stroke our hair – feel our hair on our face, etc. It’s so new to me because I always have my hair back when I work out. Even when I walk the dog in the morning, I must have a headband or something. I hate hair in my face. But, in this class, having my hair down and letting it fall over my face is so freeing, so personal – I am in a hair cocoon. It is actually comforting.

We practice the Firefly and Ballerina on the pole. They seem effortless to me! I am no acrobat or swan, but I can do the moves now without feeling like I have no idea what I’m doing. I feel a surge of power in my gut that makes me flutter. It’s like an addiction. The first time I tried candy. I am really hooked on that pole. A woman in my class commends me on my “whipping of my hair” while I do the firefly. I beam. We put on our shoes. I am so wobbly today, I don’t know what the hell is going on. I go slow and just tell myself to not worry about looking stupid. We have been learning a routine which is very very cool. “Dirty Diana” comes on which is one of my favorite songs and I can feel the sexiness oozing from my pores. Extremely liberating.


Part of the routine we learn today is to stare at a chair where your “ahem” target would be sitting watching you. I actually feel myself blushing when I think of someone sitting there watching me dance. I used to love it when the boys would stare at my moves on the dance floor at the clubs. So why now am I so timid? Can I do this? Can I do my own show without feeling embarrassed? How do I stop self-judging? I imagine my husband sitting there in the chair. I am dancing for him. THAT I can do.

After class, I throw on my hiking pants over my booty shorts and a plain black shirt. No time for basking in my “afterglow.” Too many errands to do today. But I feel great – stretched, whole, enlightened. And that is a wonderful feeling.
We are told that next week, we start stripping. WHAT??!! We will learn to take off our shirt. We can wear layers so that we are not actually going naked. Well thank god for that!

NOTE: Eventhough I just started taking the S Factor class, it seems that all things stripper are invading me. My friend went to go see an old school Burlesque show in L.A. Supposedly amazing. Burlesque shows are all the rage now. So is it still art when the dancer is naked? And I read in this Sunday’s New York Times about “Make it Rain” – guys who go to strip clubs and let hundreds of dollar bills “rain” on a stripper. Okay. Must be very empowering for the men. But if I were the woman, I’d be feeling like the monkey dancing while the monkey grinder plays the music, I have to do my little show and then go collect my tip. Not the most appetizing scenario. Of course, perhaps the idea of being “showered with gifts” is not too far a concept. Hmmmmm….My internal dilemma continues.
 
LADIES – Where does attracting the opposite sex and using your power of being a woman stop and feminism and being acknowledged for your brain and being taken seriously begin? It is a struggle I have often. I can’t stand when women say they want to be equals with men. We will never be equal because it is comparing apples to oranges – or flowers to meat. Yes, men are the meat here. My husband is a delicious big juicy steak. Meat is obvious. It is hearty. It does exactly what it is intended to do. Flowers are delicate, wild. They need extensive care yet they can thrive in the toughest conditions. They are gorgeous and sexy. They are beautiful and desirable. They can be crushed. They grow and develop and have different stages. They are all different. GO and be that flower you are meant to be and quit being a steak! Celebrate your femininity. I am a pink peony. What flower are you? Georgia O’Keefe – I commend you!!!

PRETTY WOMAN

Hello Pink Ladies!!

I HAVE TO BUY SHOES. Normally, these are words that women live and die for. The art of shoe shopping has made DaVincis out of all of us. We have mastered it. But this time, I have to shop for stripper shoes for my S Factor class. 6-inch hooker-esque shoes. OH BOY. Where does one go for such things?
 
Well, thanks to Julia Roberts, I know where to head. Hollywood Boulevard baby. Home to the more colorful, unsavory residents of L.A. and also the busloads of bewildered foreign tourists checking out the stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. A winning combo, if you ask me. I take my super best friend Beckkkyy with me for moral support. We park and check out the local fare. The first store, Tony’s Shoes, is small but packed with what seems to be a good representation of stripper gear. We walk around and in my twinset sweater and Prada bag, I say to the owner Tony that I need some uh….heels. Tony takes one look at me and says “I know what you need. S Factor.” HOLY STILETTOS BATMAN! Did he have my number or what?! I don’t know whether to take it as a compliment that I look too classy to be a stripper or take offense that I look too old and prudish to be a stripper. I choose the former.

I select a pair of silver and clear shoes  - to “go with everything.” I am so practical! I do the 5-inchers. I just could not commit to the 6-inch babies. I am 5’9 already barefoot and the thought of looking like Frankenstein towering over the world just doesn’t appeal to me.

We pick up some other “accessories” – after all, Valentine’s Day is coming. We see a few Trannys, a nice gay boy with lips the size of Lisa Rinna and Angelina Jolie combined – a bit scary. We finish our shopping and I tell Becckkkyy (her nickname) to look for me next week on Hollywood Blvd in my new outfit a la PRETTY WOMAN. She says “Yeah okay” rolling her eyes. LOTS of eye rolling in my life! I head home thinking I will debut my new shoes and outfit for my husband that night. Alas, my suburban housewife role kicked in and I spent it falling asleep watching TV on the couch at 10 p.m. (Sigh). But the NEXT night – well, there was a show and my hubby was most pleased.

Class day comes and I get ready. I shower and let my hair go wild. They recommend you leave your hair down. No ballet bun here. I wear shorts. NOT the booty shorts – not ready yet. But I do wear shorts and a tank. Pink of course. I bring my pink leg warmers and heels and head out.

In class, we compare shoes and have a laugh as one girl says she wore her shoes to the mall the day before. She wore long pants to hide them, but did her shopping in those 6-inch black panthers. FAB! We squeeled. We do the usual warm-up and such. I bought knee pads last time and am grateful for the padding as we push back and do the cat stretch. Who cares if I look like roller derby girl? We then learn the “crawl.” I guess you have to crawl before you walk right? We are taught to be like tigers stalking our prey. We then move to the pole (my absolute favorite part) and learn the BALLERINA. You wrap your leg around the pole and then let your body fall as you swing around gracefully. I neither swung, nor was I graceful. I was so nervous, I did a vice-grip of my leg around the pole and needless to say, stayed exactly where I started. The instructor told me to relax and let myself  fall. Trust your body. Hmmm…. Okay. I try a few more times and get a little better.

We then are told to put on our heels. We all groan. Here we go.


We do our sexy walk. Then learn a routine. I’m surprised at how good I am. I was expecting to look like a new foal just born learning to walk on its wobbly new legs.

The saucy woman that I am, I decide to keep on my heels and leg warmers to go home and surprise my husband. The ladies are laughing at me, but very supportive. I get home and walk in. My husband is happy. That’s all I’m gonna say.




LADIES – WEAR THOSE DAMN HEELS!! If you are like me, and are no longer going to the clubs and most likely just going to dinner with friends, cocktails and stuff like that, then you have NO EXCUSE not to wear some high-ass heels! You can handle wearing them from the car to a seat my dear. I’m not saying wear them for a two-hour standing room only concert! I have some that have been collecting dust in my closet because I just couldn’t be bothered. Until now. Wear them. Do it now before you are stuck wearing the orthopedic sneakers and compression knee highs. That day will come. The sex kitten heels will make you walk slow. They make you stand up straight. And they make you feel uber SEXY.
Purrrrrrrrr……