CONTINUATION OF STUPID COMMENTS

Hello ladies and Happy Holidays!!

It is this time of year that I find my single ladies (and the rest of the single general public) longing for the warmth of someone yummy to snuggle up with in front of the fire and to spend the holidays with. I myself have been there on numerous occasions lamenting the fact that I didn't have anyone special to spend moments like New Year's (good grief) with. Now that I am married, I can say WHO CARES!! but it sounds ridiculous because of course NOW that I am married I can say these things. So I truly understand my dear single ladies and I want to remind you AGAIN that it was not so long ago that I too was searching for what I thought felt like the Quest for The Holy Grail (mostly aspirational, possibly ficticious and highly unlikely). Therefore, I continue my TOP 10 List of Heinous Comments from the Peanut Galley that make single women go ape shit. Here we go:




5. COMMENT: “YOU’RE TOO PICKY.”

This comment implies that I am setting the bar way too high or have some checklist in my purse or have unrealistic standards. “But why CAN’T I date an astronaut??!!!” I can see them imagining me thinking. Yes, I’m too picky. FINALLY someone figured it out! Oh thank you for solving this mystery for me! So that’s why I’m not riding off into the sunset with my Mr. Right. Obviously, like all the questions, this comment gets me REALLY worked up. Any gal who has been around the block knows this is ridiculous for anyone to say. Why if they only SAW the idiots, losers, jackasses, beautifully-challenged people we have said “Okay” to for a date, then these nay-sayers would just shut the hell up. Let’s review what my requirements are, shall we? And then we can see if I’m being unrealistic.

It’s kind of difficult to be starry-eyed and all mushy gushy thinking about our Prince Charming’s arrival when every day we are facing guys who are far from Princely and not-so-charming.  It’s like asking a kid to get excited about Santa Claus when they already know that it’s just Uncle Harry in a costume. The mystery and excitement is gone. Believe me, I still wish I lived in Santa Claus fantasy land and I definitely try to convince myself that Prince Charming is out there. Unfortunately, it seems that my Prince Charming is working those tights and shimmying at the gay bar, just got out of prison, is my plumber, is some dude wearing gold chains, having a mid-life crisis playing the way-too-young-for-him field, or he’s comfortably at home while his little wife makes him dinner.

I am looking for someone who is similar to my background - educated, comes from a decent upbringing, has a good job and makes at least what I make, and preferably doesn’t have a criminal record, a current wife or children. I’m not flexible on the wife or criminal record part, but I will consider children. Aesthetically, I prefer a guy who is about 6 feet, since I’m 5’9 (that’s 5”11 or so with heels), has hair (no Mr. Clean for me), isn’t an old geezer, is in relatively good shape and kinda cute. Does this mean that if a guy doesn’t meet ALL of these “standards” of mine, my “checklist” if you will, that I won’t consider a date? Hell no, it doesn’t. I’ve dated bald guys, short guys, guys who had no money, old guys, boring as hell guys, stupid guys, guys who made severely bad fashion choices, guys who never went to college and guys who weren’t that cute. Nobody who knows me well enough can say that I haven’t found the one because I’m too picky. It’s just not true. I feel like screaming back “Well, when I get really desperate and I’m ready to settle like you did, I’ll let you know!” I don’t really mean that. Well, sometimes I do. For the most part, I’m happy when people find “the one” and live happily ever after. It gives us single gals hope.

When people say you’re too picky, they should look in the mirror and see that it is actually a reflection on themselves. By you telling me that I’m too picky implies that, if I am not picky, I will find a man, which in turn implies that you must have lowered your standards to be with your man. Because that statement implies that to be picky is a bad thing. I like to simply say that I am a hopeless romantic and I want to feel that special weak-in-the-knees feeling for a guy. “Don’t you think everyone deserves that?” I ask. If I am in a particularly pissy mood, I will say “Well, don’t you love your husband like crazy? Did you settle?” Usually this will make them feel a bit awkward (good, they deserve it), and hopefully they will say that yes, indeed they are still in love with their hubby, and then you can triumphantly say “Well, don’t I deserve that?” There. Done.

MY ADVICE TO YOU LOVELY LADIES - DO NOT SETTLE! BE PICKY! THE LAST THING YOU WANT TO DO IS BE STUCK WITH SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS NOT THE BEST CHOICE FOR YOU. TALK ABOUT CHINESE WATER TORTURE!!!

TOP 10 QUESTIONS, COMMENTS AND OTHER THINGS MOST PAINFUL FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY

Hi Ladies!!!

Happy almost holidays!!

Here is #4 on my Top 10 List of comments and questions single ladies despise but often get from the peanut gallery e.g. friends, family and the general public. I hope you are enjoying them and I would love your comments!

Oh Ken, you're perfect!

4. QUESTION: “WHAT KIND OF GUY ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?”
This question makes me sigh out of sheer frustration. Single women want the same things for the most part, so to tell someone you want someone nice, funny, good-looking with a decent job sounds so obvious and trite. It sounds boring just writing it. Maybe the fact that I want someone educated and on the taller side would be REALLY unusual, but I doubt it. But it’s the truth. (And it’s what I got). Sure, some people might be deadset on someone Jewish or have a gag reflex for bald men, but single ladies have long learned that you can’t ask for too many specifics because your friends will get annoyed and then never set you up because you’re too picky (see #5 comment in the next blog). Plus, you never know when that really goofy-looking guy just happens to be the one who steals your heart (it happened to one of my friends).

So if we know what we are all looking for, then why do people ask the obvious – why why WHY? Don’t they know I have better things to do like talk to the dog? Are they expecting us to say something weird like “I want a count from a foreign land who has a castle and likes to wear plaid pants and has a jet and is a water polo player and shags like a stallion.” Do they honestly think we are looking for a man that doesn’t exist? When asked this question, I would love to reply “Well, what I’m really looking for is a fat, selfish, out of work hairy man, preferably an alcoholic who has no ambition or interests – the kind of guy who would never think to buy a girl flowers, even if he was a millionaire. Oh, and if he can have a flatulence problem and a low IQ, that would be REALLY great.” The look on their faces when I said this would be so satisfying. Or even more dramatic when asked what kind I want is to say “At this point in my dating career, at the point of desperation, I’m just hoping for someone who has all of their limbs and doesn’t smell too bad.” Boy would THAT get a fun reaction!

Maybe I’ll try it out. Another funny response would be to give them a really descriptive answer: “He should be 6’2, 43 years old, no tattoos, wear Oxford shirts, have short brown hair and blue eyes, and his name should begin with a D.” Now try to match that will ya!

Ladies, when asked this asinine question, you can simply answer  “I’m a fun gal so I’m willing to meet anyone. You never know.” Or just say “I don’t know. Whatchou got?” thereby putting them on the spot. Happy days.

Top 10 Questions Most Vile for Single Women

Ladies!!
Here is number 3 on the Top 10 List. I hope these are resonating with you, whether you are single or married for 20 years. I will never forget. It’s as memorable to me as if it were yesterday. I understand what “All the Single Ladies” (go Beyonce, it was my theme song last year!) are going through and all I can say is We Shall Overcome!



3. QUESTION: “IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT”

This classic statement has been heard throughout the nation by unwelcoming single ears. It’s one of my personal favorites. Let us ponder this statement shall we? Well, let’s see, if you’re at a party, and you are single and a cute guy starts talking to you, aren’t you maybe thinking, “Gee, this guy’s cute. Maybe he would ask me out.” Probably. Or wherever you are seeing a cute guy, isn’t that going to remind you that you are a single woman looking for a cute guy? It is always in the back of the minds of single ladies that they are, in fact, single and open to meeting a guy.  Society won’t let us forget that we are single – especially on Valentine’s Day, New Year’s Eve and at weddings. Sure, my married friends get hit on by guys and they don’t expect it but that’s just lame and makes me think men are pigs and well, just overall makes me grumpy.


So how can it happen when you least expect it? At a gay bar? A women’s symposium? In the Tampax aisle at the grocery store? Lady Gaga concert? Perhaps at a flower arranging class? (Gay men would make FABULOUS husbands if it weren’t for the sex part). Or maybe after a near-fatal accident while I’m in a body cast in the hospital. That’s it! My doctor will be really hot and he’ll nurse me back to health, giving me sponge baths and then, on the day the body cast is removed, he will get down on one knee and pop the question. COME ON.


I’ve heard evil rumors of women who are just friends for a long time with a guy and then allofasudden after two years, they get hit by Cupid and whammo, the guy turns into Prince Charming. Smells fishy doesn’t it? This scenario makes me confused because for me, physical chemistry is VERY important so if the chemistry is there, he’s no friend. And if I think he’s hot and we could be good together, it’s pretty easy to get him in bed. (He’s a man after all). The thought of chemistry growing over time sounds to me like a fungus in a petri dish – nothing good going on there. If Edgar wasn’t hot before to you, how is he hot now? Are you using hallucinogenic drugs? Are you drunk? Or lord no girl, don’t tell me that you are settling!!! 

For me, I wanted heart-stopping, weak in the knees, fireworks love and I found it. Having a friend to spend your golden years with is a nice concept, but as my friend calls her chemistry-missing sometimes date, “Comfy sweater” – he’s dependable but how exciting is he? No wonder she is still looking for that guy who makes her heart go pitter-patter.  I wanted the Full Monty people. It was the only way I knew I had a shot at a long marriage. I knew that we could get through any argument or tough time as long as my heart was completely in it. And, let’s face it, I’m a total hopeless romantic. I even had a shirt in high school that said “Im an Incurable Romantic” on it.
And finding it was not a surprise. The fact that it was love at first sight and so fast was rather a shock, but I had been training for this all my life ladies. And I helped make it happen. WHY? Because I am a smart girl who takes action and decided that fate needed a little push. And being Crazy Old Maid Aunt Lindsley just was NOT going to work for me. So online dating I went (again) and found the guy in one month. Done.

My friend Taylor’s response when she is asked this laughable question is dead-on correct. When told that it will happen when she least expects it, she replies “Well, then it should have happened two years ago because that’s when I gave up – I haven’t been expecting it for years!” She really cracks me up. You tell ‘em sister!

TOP 10 QUESTIONS, COMMENTS AND OTHER THINGS MOST PAINFUL FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY

Hello Ladies!!

This is part 2 of the Top 10. If you missed the first one, here's a reminder:

When I was single, which was not too long ago  (before June), I had written a lot about the trials and tribulations of being single. This excerpt was particularly made an impact on me because it really summed up what a lot of single women are feeling and how other people’s seemingly innocent comments can be like daggers to the heart. This list of the TOP 10 will be done in a series, with one each day just for you!

Single ladies have THICK skins. We have to. You would not believe the comments and questions we get all about the state of our singledom. Pregnant women complain that their big belly gives everyone the open door policy to tell them their sage advice on pregnancy or worse, their horror stories on labor, delivery, never getting your body back, etc. But I say the WORST experience for a woman is the open invitation people seem to think they have received to comment on your life, if you just happen to be single and over 35. Us women in this state know the all too wince-provoking, “inevitable like death,” idiotic and just plain rude things people will say. 

 

2. QUESTION: “DO YOU THINK YOU WILL EVER GET MARRIED?”

This is as ridiculous as question one and very similar. I have so many wonderful responses for this question. I would love to say: “Let me get out my magic crystal ball and see if it will be so.” Even better would be to carry around an 8-Ball and take it out and shake it and say “I should have an answer for you in a minute.” That should shut them up. I also would love to answer in a way that may take some thought on their part. I would say very seriously, “Yes! It will be February 2011. God, I can’t wait to meet him!” Haha. Or super fun would be to say "Well, I'm pretty sure but he's in prison so I have to wait a few years." The look on their face would be priceless. 


This question is impossible to answer and to ask an impossible question is just plain idiotic. They may as well be asking me if Jesus exists. How the hell should I know? Are they expecting you to then pour your heart out and say that you really hope you get married, but you don’t know if it will ever happen and it’s one of your worst fears and then burst out into tears right on the spot? I wish people knew that these questions are the equivalent to ripping out our hearts and stomping on them. 


I guess the nicest and simplest answer you could give them would be to simply say “I really don’t know.” But you know they will never be okay with just that. They will offer advice that they are SURE you have never thought of like trying a new activity to meet men. That’s a classic. When my psychiatrist recommended I take up a musical instrument or a language class to meet men, I wanted to lunge at his throat. Didn’t he know I was already exhausted as it was trying to locate Mr. Right?? Now I have to learn goddamn Italian?? And if ONE MORE person offers to give me their worn and loved copy of “The Secret,” I am going to seriously lose my shit. That book is lame. It’s exactly the same thing as therapy people. You go in, talk about your life, focus on what you want and what you need to change and then go do it. Duh. If you think all day about not eating pie, you probably will remember to not eat pie. Or, you may do what I do sometimes and say “F*ck it” and go enjoy some goddamn pie. Everything is WORK. Just sitting in your bedroom putting a piece of paper with “Millionaire” as your goal on it in your Disney Princess jewelry box and wishing and hoping to be a millionaire is not going to make you win Publisher’s Clearing House. It just don’t work  that way kids. Sorry.

Ladies, when you are asked this question, you can make light of it by waxing philosophical and say “Who knows? The world is a fickle place. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow. My future husband could get hit by a bus tomorrow.”  While they ponder your enlightened thoughts, you can look at your watch and be conveniently late for something. 

Have a PINK day ladies!

XOXO

10 QUESTIONS, COMMENTS AND OTHER THINGS MOST PAINFUL FROM THE PEANUT GALLERY

When I was single, which was not too long ago  (before June), I had written a lot about the trials and tribulations of being single. This excerpt particularly made an impact on me because it really summed up what a lot of single women are feeling and how other people’s seemingly innocent comments can be like daggers to the heart. This list of the TOP 10 will be done in a series, with one each day just for you!


Single ladies have THICK skins. We have to. You would not believe the comments and questions we get all about the state of our singledom. Pregnant women complain that their big belly gives everyone the open door policy to tell them their sage advice on pregnancy or worse, their horror stories on labor, delivery, never getting your body back, etc. But I say the WORST experience for a woman is the open invitation people seem to think they have received to comment on your life, if you just happen to be single and over 35. Us women in this state know the all too wince-provoking, “inevitable like death,” idiotic and just plain rude things people will say.

1. QUESTION: “WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?”

This is the absolute number one question that makes single women want to go postal. Why such an insanely ridiculous question is even asked is beyond my comprehension. How the HELL do I know why I’m still single, you jackass?! You might as well ask me “What’s the cure for cancer?” Nobody knows WHY they are not married or haven’t found the one. So quit asking us dammit! It’s not like you get to look in a Christmas catalog and shop and order your husband (which is EXACTLY what some poor souls think what online dating is), complete with what color, texture, height and delivery time you want.

The inevitable question becomes more of an accusation like there must be something wrong with you or that you are deliberately sabotaging yourself so you can remain alone forever. Who am I, Tom Hanks in “Castaway” stuck out in the middle of nowhere with no hope in sight? Hey all you married or taken people, stop hitting us single people while we’re down, will you? The question may as well be posed as “What’s wrong with you?” because that’s exactly what the single question implies – You did something to make yourself undesirable. Well, let me tell you, the only thing we DIDN’T do is give up on our dreams and settle. We might not have someone to say “Honey, I’m home” to, but did you ever think that we might not be suicidal? We may actually be a happy person and still have hope that someone IS in fact out there for us. There’s definitely some knowledge I think you have when you’re single that married people seem to not have. It’s like being street smart, but for dating – let’s call it “Single Smart.”  When you’re Single Smart, you know that being married is not the “be all, end all.” Why? Because you get to be the observer of other people’s marriages. And sometimes it ain’t pretty. I see some married guys ogling me like I’m the most delicious candy bar and they are a hungry fat kid. I see married couples out in public walking with miserable frowns on their faces like they have been sentenced to death. They look more alone than I do. Or I see them sitting together and not having a word to say. Don’t think that just because you’re married, that you have it better. My friend Mary gets hit on by married men all the time. Think about it – it could be your Honeykins or Lovey Dovey out there prowling. So check yourself before you get on someone else’s case.

When you get married, you realize that you’re stuck with your husband’s annoying habits and behaviors FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. The fact that he’s a slob, or that he will never buy you flowers, or maybe that he loves watching sports and would rather sit on the couch watching tv than go out and enjoy the beautiful day outside (do you know my ex-fiance??/!!), or that he will never EVER look anything like George Clooney – whatever it might be, it can be really tough. Marriage is WORK. Of course, it’s also wonderful, but it is a commitment and if the two people involved aren’t willing to make it work, come hell or high water, then that marriage can royally suck. And when I get married men hitting on me or see a husband cussing out his wife on the street, it just makes me say, “Well, I may be alone, but at least I don’t have to deal with THAT.” Someone else’s misery can be my validation. And if it’s wrong, well, so be it.

Being Single Smart allows me to not have to put up with a guy’s shit because I’m not in a relationship with them and I wasn’t stupid enough to marry them. I don’t have to watch my boyfriend be overly attentive to the buxom woman at the party, just waiting to ream him when we get home. I don’t have to worry if he remembered to change the light bulb in the hallway and I don’t have to fight with him over who is going to walk the dog late at night. Nope. It’s all up to me, and if there’s one thing I know, it’s that I know I can count on me. I’m not planning on leaving me or arguing with myself over nothing. With me, I know exactly what to expect. I’m never going to let me down. GOD I LOVE ME. Me and I are going to be together for a long, long time. I know that for a fact.  Of course, it would be really great to be able to count on someone else for a change.  It seems everyone wants me to settle, so afraid that I will die alone. When my mom rides my ass about not having a husband, I just say, “Well, I could have married those two idiots who were wrong for me and be divorced by now. Would that make you happy?” Jeez. Get off my back. My advice for you ladies when you are asked this particularly repulsive question is to simply say “Are you SERIOUSLY asking me that?” This should make them see that it is, in fact, a stupid question. Unless, of course, they are the dumbest person on earth, then you should just say “Oh look, my glass is empty!” and head to the bar.

Go Single Ladies in the PINK!!!